Your Friend Jessica Simpson Is Wild

Within 10 seconds of hitting the stage on Monday’s episode of The Ellen DeGeneres Show, Jessica Simpson announced that she has an IUD and that “nothing’s gonna get in that uterus.” Well hello to you, too. Welcome back, Jessica. I forgot how much I missed you.

Simpson went on to discuss a mermaid party she had for her daughter, complete with “man-handlers,” or men who carry the mermaids to the bathroom because “they can’t pee on my children on the pool.” She waffled when Ellen asked how long she’s been with her current husband, Eric Johnson, and then once she decided it has been seven years, she exclaimed, “I don’t know if I’ve ever had a seven-year relationship…other than with a woman!” But not like that.

Have you had enough yet? Too bad! Ellen asked what she and Eric like to do together and Jessica struggled some more: “He kinda likes TV shows but then he snores through ‘em. So I kinda like that. He golfs. I don’t. Um…we love our kids. And we really like to…I like to get a back massage.” She then claimed that Eric massages her in her sleep. Ellen, to her credit, was not having it. She wasn’t having any of it. And yet the interview went on.

Jessica wasn’t sure how long it’s been since she released an album (“eight, seven, six…I don’t know”) nor is she sure how many songs she has written for her next album, which is supposed to come out next year and is kinda-sorta the reason for this wave of Jessica-focused press (she’s also releasing a new clothing collection). Regarding the number of songs she has written, Jessica said, “I probably have about…[jazz hands] thirty-eight, so maybe thirty…six or thirty-nine?” Sure. Anything is possible with Jessica Simpson.

She is either making up for lost time by giving us a heaping dose of Jessica Simpson or she’s somehow…altered. This is really an extreme showing. In our highly image-controlled media environment, they don’t make ‘em (interviews or stars) like this anymore!

But lo, there were flashes of self-awareness. Acknowledging Jessica’s difficulty with numbers, Ellen remarked, “Somehow you have a billion dollar business.” “Isn’t that awesome?” said Jessica. “Yeah, it is awesome,” said Ellen. “It can happen for anybody,” responded Jessica. Cute.

Jessica’s similarly loopy interview for CBS Sunday Morning aired this weekend. During it, she hypothesized why some people seem taken aback that they own clothing by her that they like: “Maybe ‘cause it’s not that expensive? Or maybe because I was a cheesy pop star back in the day. I have no idea. You’re gonna like my shoes, damn it!”

She still doesn’t know if it’s Chicken by the Sea or Chicken of the Sea. She called a romper she once wore to the VMAs “timeless” (and yet, such a timely subject). When asked, “When you hear the name Jessica Simpson today what do you want them to think?,” she replied, glibly like a teenager addressing her idiot of a mother: “Just that I’m your friend.” I love my friend, and I really relate to this especially: