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Your First-Date Horror Stories

Illustration for article titled Your First-Date Horror Stories
Screenshot: There’s Something About Mary (1998

Without entirely ruining the plot of Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga’s collaborative opus, A Star Is Born, I want to share this: in the film, the actors meet under an unusual circumstance that makes for a wonderfully spontaneous first date. But with slight changes, it could’ve easily ended in disaster; who among us isn’t familiar with a promising initial meet-up turned godawful, full of negging or cheap booze or awkward silences or lazy fucking or whatever else leaves you questioning your judgment and taste?

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This week at Pissing Contest, we want to hear your first date horror stories. Maybe they happened to a friend but you’re so traumatized by the details, you can never forget it (that’s on the table, gimme that hot gossip). Maybe your shitty interaction actually resulted in a second date and later, real partnership. Stranger things have happened and we want to hear it all.

But first, let’s revisit the most unlikely love stories you’ve ever heard.

I love OuiserBoudreaux‘s United Penis Service:

My mom’s office had a UPS driver who was a sarcastic pain in the ass. One day she couldn’t find a seat at a popular fried chicken restaurant during a busy lunch hour. The UPS driver was there and offered to let her sit at his table with him, promising not to talk to her. Luckily they did talk, and they’ve been married for 30 years.

Unfortunately, my mom has since then always referred to UPS as the United Penis Service.

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TchopTshop, when it rains it pours (amore):

Met my partner of eleven years while both working at an umbrella factory.

NoRagrets knows real BABY SPICE love:

My friend and her hubby met on a Spice Girls group chat in the mid 90's. They continued to chat long distance-he’s from the Mid west (I think?) and after a few years he moved out to be with her. 20 years later, they’re married, have a baby, and #2 on the way =).

FormerLondoner’s knows romance can hit ya with the flip of a coin:

My parents. So my dad was friends with a dude dating a particularly nasty/ unpleasant woman. Her sister was coming to visit from out of state and being good friends they agreed someone would have to show her around town. Figuring the sister wouldn’t be any nicer, he and a third friend flipped a coin and loser would have to take one for the team. Dad lost.

Married 37 years this Feb.

Winner of the coin flip was best man at their wedding.

AltairaMorbius2200AD’s friend found him on the open road:

I know a girl (who probably reads this site and will undoubtedly recognize this story) who, while a passenger in a car with some friends, passed another set of similarly-aged people on the highway. Among the passengers in the other car was a hot guy. Girl found some paper and held up a flirty sign. He found some paper and held up a similarly flirty sign. They exchanged numbers via sign, and actually ended up dating for a while!

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Landedpauper, how did they meet again?:

In the 1970s a university graduate hitchhiked from Glasgow to Tehran to start his new job. On the way he met a very posh man who was going to stay at his father’s house whilst it was empty. They exchanged info, and the hitchhiker was invited to a party at the British ambassador’s house. A ballet dancer who was friends with the ambassador’s daughter was invited, along with the other members of the Iranian ballet, to the party. She saw the hitchhiker and thought he was the most beautiful man she’d seen, but was pulled away to read the youngest daughter bedtime stories. She tried to just read one but that never works with kids, and the man had gone by the time she returned downstairs.

At some point they met again, fell properly in love, got engaged, broke up, she ran away to Italy, he sent her a blank cheque for a plane ticket, they got married, had 4 kids and 34 years of marriage before the hitchhiker died at 57. Miss ya dad.

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Alright, time for those terrible first dates! Sorry in advance.

Senior Writer, Jezebel. My debut book, LARGER THAN LIFE: A History of Boy Bands, is out now.

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DISCUSSION

First Date: He took me to a great dinner, nice place, and during asked the waiter how much longer dinner would take, we had a show to get to. I, having no idea about the show, asked what we were seeing. He said he was taking me to the newly opened high class strip joint. I am young, I am impressionable, I have never been to a strip club so I don’t say anything, why? Because my parents have been to Crazy Horse in Paris and basically that’s a fancy strip joint and they loved it. I go. I meet and chat with some of the ladies as we enter who are offstage but going to dance. They are nice and kind and we talk about lipstick and fashion and it’s great. We start to watch the show after being seated and its not the Crazy Horse at all. Which, I am good with but not with this guy who is slobbering all over the stage. I tell him I want to leave, it has been at least 45 minutes or so. He asks me to wait until the girl takes the shower in front of us all, that’s what makes this club special, he want to watch her wash herself. The ladies who weren’t performing and were off stage called me a cab. For Godsakes.