Your Favorite Literary Classics Are About to Be Ruined by Fifty Shades

You knew Fifty Shades of Grey was bad, but did you know that it’s so bad that it’s actually ruining other novels with its success? Clandestine Classics, a publisher of erotic e-books, will soon be releasing all of your favorite romance classics, such as Pride & Prejudice, Jane Eyre and Sherlock Holmes, with added Fifty Shades of Grey-style sex scenes. You know, just in case Elizabeth Bennet’s tour through the Lake District wasn’t enough to get you going before.

From the publisher:

“The old-fashioned pleasantries and timidity have all been stripped away, quite literally. You didn’t really think that these much-loved characters only held hands and pecked cheeks, did you? Come with us as we embark on a breathtaking experience — behind the closed bedroom doors of our favorite, most-beloved British characters. Learn what Sherlock really thought of Watson, what Mr. Darcy really wanted to do to Miss Elizabeth Bennet, and unveil the sexy escapades of Mr. Rochester and Jane Eyre. We’ll show you the scenes that you always wanted to see but were never allowed.”

To each their own, but isn’t the eroticism and appeal in a novel like Pride & Prejudice strongly based in old-fashioned restraint? In the tension caused because the characters aren’t allowed to express their sexual desires so, instead, they are forced to go on very long walks, participate in awkward dances and engage each other in super heated battles of wits?

Maybe, had Jane Austen been writing in modern times, her novels would, in fact, include more anal beads and detailed hymen-breaking. Would it hurt to replace Darcy’s infuriating, insulting and, yes, sexy proposal with something more like this?

“In vain I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you… Now bend over. I am going to pull out your tampon.”

“Oh, crap,” said Lizzie.

Why, yes. Yes, it would.

‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ Makeover Given to ‘Pride and Prejudice’ and Other Classics [THR]