Ah, Sexy Pizza Rat costume, we’ve been expecting you. And here you are: minimal, fuzzy like the sun-dried street rat, and pussy-oriented. What a glorious trash heap our world is, that we are bestowed with such gifts.
Let’s fight our instincts and take a closer look. Oh yeah, that’s some hot shit. Don’t you love those nice little slices of pizza, directing your Halloween one-night stand to the real midnight snack? The drunken dark of the night can be disorienting, after all, and not all of us can claim Pizza Rat’s incisive sense of direction.
Yandy advertises this costume as “a soft, body-hugging grey minidress with a white front panel, an attached tail with adorable rat ears, and two attached pepperoni pizza slice accents.” And they only ask a mere $89.95 for their wares.
Now, before you protest, take a moment for careful reflection. Just as Pizza Rat’s heroism came at great personal cost—he was much smaller, after all, than that pizza—so does the reward implied by those multipurpose pizzas. This costume is an investment. Embodying Pizza Rat is probably the only way you’ll ever achieve orgasm.
And yet, not all are entirely aboard the Sexy Pizza Rat train. Samantha Grossman from Time argues that the concept for this costume is wrongheaded. “Here’s the thing, though,” she points out, “if you were truly going to channel Pizza Rat, you wouldn’t spend that kind of money on a costume. That’s not what Pizza Rat is about. If Pizza Rat had $89, he’d go out, purchase 89 dollar slices, and eat every last one of them.”
I must politely disagree. Pizza Rat is not a creature of excess, but of discriminating and refined taste. Amongst the dumpsters, the month-old yogurts, and the vomited Chipotle, he discovered the perfect pizza slice — a pizza slice worth dragging across New York City and into the bowels of the subway. Pizza Rat awaits his slice of heaven with patience.
So, should you decide to pay homage to this wee but mighty being, know the extent of your undertaking. Play the part with reverence, and receive the glory that awaits you, because nothing screams good oral like two pepperoni pizza slices pointed directly at your hoo-ha.
Contact the author at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Screengrab via Instagram. Embedded Image via Yandy.com.