Yes, People Are Writing Horny Fanfic About the Suez Canal and the Ever Given

So far, the fanfiction has received 178 comments and counting, a surprising feat for a 263-word story about a (horny) boat and a (horny) body of water.

“The response has been WAY bigger than I expected, which I think has more to do with our collective need for a stress release valve than anything about the fic itself,” GalWednesday said. “But I have been really enjoying how feedback alternates between ‘funny, thank you!’ and ‘JFLDJSLFJDS I HATE THIS’ which I interpret to mean roughly the same thing.”

Other fanfics include: an erotic lesbian take on the duo with the tags “what if we hugged … and put a stop to 12 percent of the world’s trade in the process;” a gay erotica with the summery “A Shipping Container Having Anal Sex With The Earth;” and even a “podfic”—an audio recording—of a fic called “Suez Says That She Loves You,” its summary reading, “Suez says that she loves you, as she holds you in her tight embrace.”

And speaking of summaries, it’s hard to resist one that describes the Ever Given as a “fuckboi boat”:

The banks of the Suez canal were heaving with lust and mournfulness. She allowed the passage of freight to bypass the Cape of Good Hope, but what did she have to show for it? The novelty of the water gently lapping at the walls of her soaked canal started off exciting and had her dreaming of more, but it had been 60 years of gentle lapping and foreplay is nice but only if, y’know, you follow it with actual play. Nearby In the Mediterranean the ultimate fuckboi boat revs her motor and feels her oats, looking for someone to fuck.

But then there are summaries that are rooted in longing, like this:

The canal knows the Ever Given is different from the moment she appears at their mouth, waiting her turn for entry like everyone else. The first clue is her size: she’s larger than a Suezmax ship, larger than they’re used to taking, and the thought of it makes the canal’s waters shift in excitement. There’s not much that interrupts the monotony of a life spent letting ships traverse back and forth, but the Ever Given promises something new.

The canal starts mentally mapping out the Ever Given’s dimensions, imagining exactly where she might graze their sides. Where she might provide the contact the canal has been deprived of for decades now; contact they crave with every lap of their waves, with every ship that glides through them without so much as a single glancing touch.

And then there’s this one, which can only be summed up in a screenshot:

“Watch huge ship destroy capitalism” indeed.

Somehow, this is much more enthralling than the fancam the Suez Canal Authority released Thursday. Perhaps they, too, should pivot to fanfic to boost morale while the Ever Given is removed from the canal’s mighty grip.

It’s unclear when the Ever Given will be freed. Shipping experts estimated that it could take days or even weeks before the ship is re-floated, but Shoei Kisen KK, the Japanese shipping company that owns the vessel, hopes to have the situation sorted by Saturday morning eastern standard time. Either way, opportunities to meme, fic, and otherwise delight in this absurdity won’t last forever.

At least the saga will live on, in posterity, in one of the nerdiest corners of the internet. As to whether or not “XXX-TRA WIDE CARGO STUFFS MAJOR SHIPPING LANE —- DELIVERS HUGE PAYLOAD!! will receive a sequel once the Ever Given is freed, the answer currently stands at a “probably not.”

“I cannot imagine a sequel, so I leave it up to every reader’s imagination how the Suez Canal and Ever Given manage to unstick themselves and how long their OnlyFreight stream has been going by the time it happens,” they said. “If anyone else wants to add onto it, they’re absolutely welcome to do so, and presumably we’ll all see each other in hell.”