The World’s Ugliest Dog contest, an event for people who want to ritualistically shame dogs in a misguided effort to make dogs experience the same aesthetic insecurities that torment the human psyche, has chosen a winner, and no, it’s one of those hideous Chinese Cresteds that looks like it crawled out of a tarpit and was promptly set on fire by a skittish passerby. This year’s uggo dog champion supreme is a beagle/boxer/basset hound mix named Walle, and, quite contrary to his new title, he’s completely adorable.
Walle isn’t actually ugly, right? Clearly, either the criteria for the ugly dog contest are ironic, or I have developed an ocular Dr. Seuss disease that makes me adore objectively frightening and bizarre creatures. But if Walle isn’t really ugly, then why did he win the World’s Ugliest Dog contest? Well, according to judge Brian Sobel, Walle is an aesthetic grab-bag, which makes him hideous:
This dog looked like he's been photo-shopped with pieces from various dogs and maybe a few other animals.
Look, we get it — the World’s Ugliest Dog is fun, all dogs are cute, and this contest isn’t really a way to collectively shudder at the monstrosities that crawl forth from nature’s primordial imagination, but to celebrate diversity and raise money for animal rights or whatever. Dammit, though, the world’s ugliest dog should actually be the world’s ugliest dog. Remember Yoda, from 2011? That dog was a monster, the sort of creature suggestible little kids dream about glaring at them from under a pile of stuffed animals. I mean, I’m sure Yoda was wonderful, and that his ugliness was kinda, sorta endearing if you’re the sort of person whose sense of pathos is intertwined with your sense of cuteness, but Yoda was a gross, crusty dog.
We could all plainly see Yoda’s disgusting ugliness. Walle, however, is just silly-looking. If you’re going to go through the trouble of putting on an ugly dog competition, then you really ought to choose the ugliest possible dog, and not just pick a cute dog and be like, “Aw, but he’s aesthetically imperfect or whatever! LOL, FUCKERS! This contest is a sham!” It’s very disappointing that this needs to be said, but, please, World’s Ugliest Dog contest, have some lower standards.
Image via Getty