Would You Let Brazil's Marta Kick You in the Face If It Meant You Could Go Outside Again?

Illustration for article titled Would You Let Brazil's Marta Kick You in the Face If It Meant You Could Go Outside Again?
Image: Gregg Newton (Getty Images)

The 2021 She Believes Cup is in full swing once again reminding us all that almost a whole entire year has passed since people were able to go outside without fear and without masks. But aside from the sensation of perpetual dread that plagues every living being and makes it impossible to fully enjoy anything, the U.S. Women’s National Team has been doing a fantastic job and playing some exciting albeit sloppy soccer.

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On Sunday afternoon the U.S. had a match against Brazil, which is really to say the U.S. had a match against Brazilian stars Marta and Debinha. Brazil came close quite a few times to snatching a win from the defending She Believes Cup champions, but the U.S. cobbled together two goals to keep their hopes of another Cup win alive.

The tournament, which is being held in Florida, had some fans in attendance as the state of Florida continues to loosen covid restrictions. While I am against the concept as a whole, I did wonder for a moment what body part I would sacrifice to sit under the blazing hot sun, with an overpriced room-temperature beer in one hand and a crumpled mask in the other, and yell at a group of professionals about how they should and should not be playing.

Then I saw this picture of Marta and the answer was obvious:

Illustration for article titled Would You Let Brazil's Marta Kick You in the Face If It Meant You Could Go Outside Again?
Image: Gregg Newton (Getty Images)

I am prepared to let Marta kick me in the face, cleats on, if it means through some sort of face-kicking magic I’d be able to move freely in the world without fear of the virus. The only thing I ask is that it be a stationary kick and not a running kick because I don’t want to die quite yet. But after the kick, I do request to be held by Megan Rapinoe like a tiny baby until my face heals.

DISCUSSION

fireupabove
fireupabove

Pros: I’d be able to go outside again!

Cons: It’s hard to see anything from inside a body bag.