The New York Times Real Estate section has found its latest hapless victim, and it is a 25-year-old Brooklyn resident and “pop/minimalist composer” named Jack Leahy who willingly pays $450 a month to live in a crawl space in which he cannot stand up. Would you have sex with someone who lives in a crawl space, in the crawl space?
From the Times:
What he can fit inside his home: A twin-size futon mattress and the contents of one suitcase.
What he likes about the place: “In a way, it’s kind of awesome. You can get some good sleep in here. And I think it matches my life in ways. I tend to run into odd situations.”
Neighbors across the hall: None, but seven people live elsewhere in the building. They share a kitchen and one and a half bathrooms.
What he wrote in his email to the landlord on his food storage needs: “Ideally, I would like to have access to a refrigerator to keep yogurt, milk, ice coffee, eggs, cheese, spinach, carrots, bell peppers, bread and an onion in. I also would like to have cabinet space for granola, potatoes, peanut butter, apples and bananas.
Of romantic situations, Leahy said: “Things get intimate really fast. You basically can’t do anything but lie down. At the same time, too much moving around up here doesn’t feel safe.”
Does that sound reasonable to you? Would you do it with a grown adult who willingly signed on to live in an almost impossibly tiny space for dubious reasons, such as, say, to be near a record label that he hopes to get signed by one day? (Bear with me, as this question is very New York-specific; if you live somewhere normal and humane, please use your imaginations.)
Let’s check in with my colleagues:
Julianne: Um, I have. Sorry. But wouldn’t going forward.
Julianne: He was a skater...
Julianne: He only had a blue lightbulb for light and then I realized that he had decorated the crawlspace with a poster of a naked woman.
Kelly Faircloth: I’m not climbing a ladder to fuck any goddamn body.
Stassa: I like that living in the equivalent of a 1920s tenement is trendy now.
Anna: No. Imagine never being able to be on top because you’re dating an idiot who lives in a crawlspace.
Clover: It’s a good challenge.
Emma: I think I’d feel so demeaned by the climbing of the ladder that I wouldn’t.
Emma: There are more important things to climb if you know what I mean.
Kara: Can I just say
Kara: I’m single
Kara: And he’s not.
Madeleine: Yeah I’d probably fuck a guy who lived in crawl space.
Kate: I do hate how having shitty living situations is “cool” for men. It’s so inexcusable, and yet they get laid.
Madeleine: So many men have mattresses on the floor.
Kelly Faircloth: I’m not climbing a ladder even if it’s into a hayloft and the dude from Outlander is waiting for me.
Brendan: I mean theoretically sure. Depends on the person.
Kelly Stout: That’s not how Would U works.
Emma: Sorry Brendan but that answer is bullshit and you’re disqualified.
Bobby: Would not. I’m almost certainly too tall for any crawlspace.
Rich: A crawlspace just seems like a bedbug magnet.
Stassa: Feel like this question posed to anyone who doesn’t live in New York is better phrased as “Would you sleep with a psychopath?”
Anna: It’s true that if someone lived in a crawlspace in New York I would be like “I’m not fucking you, but I understand why you’re like this.” Outside of New York that person is an axe murderer.
Kelly Stout: Yes, I would do it, but only for the opportunity to tell that person, in a postcoital embrace, that New York is not good enough for this.
So. Would you? In the crawl space?
Last time on Would U?, we asked: Would you have sex with Tim Kaine? 50% of you responded “Yes, but only prior to 1990,” while a full 37% answered “Yes, anytime, anywhere, any age.” 8% replied “No, I don’t think we would have chemistry,” 3% said “Only if he could get me into a Katy Perry concert,” and 1% said “Yes, but only after 1990.”