Would You Be Personally Affected By News of Ed Sheeran’s Marriage?

Image via Instagram.

If, hypothetically, you discovered today that English singer-songwriter-Swift apologist Ed Sheeran secretly married his girlfriend Cherry Seaborn recently, would you “freak out” like MTV UK says many did upon hearing the news? Or would you see the headline “IS ED SHEERAN MARRIED,” scratch behind your ear while squinting one eye, and close the tab without reading the story?


Would you run to your kitchen, pull every glass out of the cabinets, shatter them on the floor, and walk unflinchingly across the shards while screaming, “THE PAIN WILL PASS, THE PAIN WILL PASS, THE PAIN WILL PASS,” as your blood pools between the tiles like red grout? Or would you just put down your phone, look out the window, and whisper, “What in the world am I going to cook for dinner tonight?”

This is just something I’d like you to think about.

[The Sun]

Is Lindsay Lohan pregnant? When asked that question by someone at Inside Edition, her father said:

“If she says so, absolutely.”

Now I’m imagining that response as the only one he’s capable of.

Is Lindsay voting for Trump?

“If she says so, absolutely.”

Is Lindsay LOVING Stranger Things?

“If she says so, absolutely.”

Can Lindsay bench 200?

“If she says so, absolutely.”

[Perez Hilton]

People’s cover this week is...not their best work and needs to be turned down several notches.

Illustration for article titled Would You Be Personally Affected By News of Ed Sheeran’s Marriage?


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Staff Writer, Jezebel | Man

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What am I going to make for dinner tonight?