Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth
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Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth

Would You Have Sex With a Guy Who Owns a Batman Suit?

This Emory professor owns a Batsuit. Would u? The experts at Jezebel discuss.

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Image: John Phillips (Getty Images)

Comic book canon and decades of films have confirmed that anyone and everyone, if given the chance, would fuck Batman in some way or another. Recently, through my own extensive research, we also determined that some Batmans will eat the box or suck the straw with the necessary verve and vigor expected of a Batman. But now we find ourselves faced with a new sexual query that only a true lover of the Batman can answer: If you walked into someone’s apartment, like, say, the home of a professor at Emory University, and saw that they owned a full-on Batsuit, would you stay?

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Naturally, the experts at Jezebel were the first to contemplate this very specific and existential question plaguing our times.

Image for article titled Would You Have Sex With a Guy Who Owns a Batman Suit?
Screenshot: Shannon Melero
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Now the more specific question is whether you are willing to fuck Professor Batsuit, to which I believe the answer is also yes, for several reasons. First, he is clearly an organized man, because his Batsuit is not carelessly strewn about in his home but instead propped up neatly on some sort of form or mannequin and appropriately displayed. The suit is also sporting a stethoscope, which is a nice personal touch for a very strange thing to have in one’s home office. But the thing that really seals the deal for me is that anti-racism poster right next to the suit. Professor Batsuit isn’t just an academic—he cares about social issues! That’s a thing that you can’t say about actual Batman, who is a corrupt billionaire.

What mainly intrigues me about Professor Batsuit and makes him more sexually appealing is his villain potential. Clearly, he works or has worked in public health and is now a professor—two fields that would drive anyone absolutely insane, because they both deal with a high volume of people who simply refuse to listen to reason. Real Batman is, in every iteration, always right on the cusp of villainy, and any man who would willingly show his Batsuit on national television must be in a similar headspace.

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Were Professor Batsuit to make a villainous turn, I would be even more inclined to straddle his Batdick, because villain play is hot as fuck. In fact, one of my favorite sexual experiences was one in which the person I was with stopped mid-foreplay to pull out a small weapon and deliver to me the “you wanna know how I got these scars” monologue from The Dark Knight. And yes, he did a top-to-bottom impression of Heath Ledger’s Joker. I can say with the utmost confidence that up until that point in my life, I had never experienced such a thrill, and I hope that person is doing well in life.

Verdict: Would.