Worst Christmas Song Ever: The Semifinals of Seasonal Suck

Illustration for article titled Worst Christmas Song Ever: The Semifinals of Seasonal Suck

We've done it. We've almost completed our sonic journey to the center of Christmas's butthole. From 30 bad songs, we've now narrowed it down four finalists, and today you get to decide who moves on to the Championship. Let's get to voting!

Click above to enlarge, or go here for a printable version of the original bracket.

We closed out last week with pardons of "Feliz Navidad" and "Santa Claus is Coming to Town," while their competition, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" and "Wonderful Christmas Time" lived another day to annoy the shit out of us. But today we're casting the most important vote yet— today's votes will determine who will advance to the finals.


"All I Want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth" vs "The Christmas Shoes"

It's a shame we'll have to say goodbye to one of these shitbombs today. Both of them involve children who we're supposed to find precious acting in irritating ways. Kid with missing teeth: why in the name of everloving fuck would you ever lament your inability to say "Sister Suzy sittin' on a thistle"? Weirdo. Kid buying shoes for his nearly dead mom: let's hope your surviving parent will teach you to be more practical.

"Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" vs "Wonderful Christmas Time"

I don't envy you poor souls who have to decide which of these two is worse; they're fairly evenly matched and yet manage to explore all the nooks and crannies of what an irritating holiday song can be. One's about hillbillies and drunk pedestrians being killed by Santa, who is apparently a bad driver who uses roads rather than flying on his magic sleigh, and the other's about Paul McCartney discovering synthesizers.


Which of these frightful four will become the Terrible Two? Let's vote now!

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Got to give it to Wonderful Christmastime if only because "run over by a reindeer" is actually code for Grandma's habit of getting blackout drunk during the holidays. Unless McCartney admits that Wonderful Christmastime is, as many retail slaves would agree, a paean to the elder gods calling them to wake from their eons of slumber, the secret nod to needing a good stiff drink on Christmas wins.