Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth
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Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth

Working For Hugh Hefner Sounds Like a Horror Show of Blood and Semen and Pelvic Cheeseburgers

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A man who suffered a brief stint as Hugh Hefner’s valet comes forward with his chilling account of the year of 1978-79. He alleges to the New York Post that the job description involved: delivering sex toys covered in semen, vaginal and anal fluids for sterilization; escorting temporarily debilitated sex workers to “recuperate”; and procuring licorice for Hugh Hefner to eat while observing orgiastic performances, which seems like the most diabolical feature of this whole story:

He was more interested in watching. He would hire famous male porn stars, including John Holmes, with huge penises and watch them have sex with different girls he brought in. Hugh sat there in his favorite chair, smoking a joint and eating red licorice and watching. I had to go into the room afterwards and if the girls couldn’t walk, I would have to escort them to the bedrooms so they could recuperate. Hef sometimes gave bonuses to the women because the sex acts were so painful.

Protocol demanded that lobster and cheeseburgers be placed between the open legs of women floating in the pool covered in sex toys like barnacles.

But if one of Hef’s bunnies was out by the swimming pool and requested a lobster or cheeseburger, you’d deliver it to her and put the tray between her legs and while she oiled her legs, you’d see all sorts of toys that were attached to her vaginal area.

Hefner would dispose of women whose breast implants burst.

Hef wasn’t a kind man...He was very brutal to his girlfriends and sex partners. He made sure they had breast implants. In those days, the implants were new and they would shift and burst and I witnessed many women who had this done begging and crying to Hef to help them and he would put them back in the hospital and then discard these women. He didn’t care. They were disposable.

The only thing I can think of now are the carpets, haunted by trillions of dead sperm.

The butler has since recovered to lead a peaceful life as a sculptor.

A konspiracy! Kim Kardashian posted a photo of herself, Khloe, and Kylie all together on September 3rd, weeks before pregnancy rumors about Khloe and Kylie and Kim all dropped. “The 3 of us...” she captioned it.

What is this ellipsis?? More like “The 6 of us...”? More like the 3 of us...hanging out with our wombs? More like the 3 of us...growing babies?

Like so many Kardashians, the legend is inevitable and proliferant.

America’s wayward redhead Lindsay Lohan keeps pushing for the Mean Girls sequel that nobody else wants. Yesterday she posted an Instagram story of herself watching the “none for Gretchen Wieners” scene.

Last year she told CNN on Facebook live that she’s already written the whole script, which she’s volunteering to give away:

I have been trying so hard to do a Mean Girls 2. It is not in my hands...I know Tina Fey and Lorne Michaels and all of Paramount are very busy. But I will keep forcing it and pushing it on them until we do it...I would love to have Jamie Lee Curtis and Jimmy Fallon in the movie. I’ve already written a treatment for it, so I just need a response.

Emma Stone could even be in it if she wanted to. Lohan tweeted:

Emma Stone, can we film a movie called Mean Girls 2 together?

Aw Lindsay.

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