Woman-Only Earphones are Strong Enough for Him But Made Just for Suckers

The days of being called “sir” by strangers due to your gender-neutral headphones are over, thanks to a new style of headphones that are “for women.”

They’re designed to look like earrings and be all dainty and sparkly and stuff. Ladies love that, right? The lady only headphones also purr like a cat when you put them in their carrying case and emit little weight loss affirmations when they’re in “sleep mode.” They can deliver the same music that men like, but they’re pH balanced! Women Only Headphones have a setting to help you drown out the sound of your emotions getting the best of you. They can transform offensive street harassment into melodic accompaniments to the song you’re listening to. They’ve also got model that helps you empathize extra hard with the bassline.

Just think of them as tiny musical tampons for your ears.

How about you, readers? What do you think that “women only headphones” would do? Alleviate PMS? Something else stereotypical?