Will Someone Please Buy Me This $850K Private Island in New York?

Photo: Houlihan Lawrence

I live just a short subway ride from the island of Manhattan, where the median apartment listing price is $999,000, and in the borough of Brooklyn, which is attached to Long Island, in a tiny apartment with two roommates and a shared annual rent of about $41,000. I would much rather live in the woods with a gang of fuzzy animals and no humans, but I will settle for this $850,000 private island located just 60 miles north of Manhattan, provided someone lends me enough money for a downpayment.

The New York Post reports that Willow Island, a 0.66 acre private island in Putnam Lake, is on the market. The $850,000 asking price includes a four-bedroom, one-bath Colonial built with the same stone allegedly used to construct the Holland Tunnel, along with 360-degree lakeviews, a small vaulted studio, and bragging rights that you own an entire goddamn island.

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LOOK AT IT.

Photo: Houlihan Lawrence

According to the Houlihan Lawrence listing, the island is “the perfect place to write the next great American novel,” which makes perfect sense, since it’s peaceful and isolated and no one around will hear your screams when you smash your hand through your laptop in frustration because it turns out you’re not really that great of a writer and nothing you produce will ever actually live up to the unrealistic expectations you set for yourself the second you got a smiley face on a short story about bees you wrote in the first grade.

Anyway, please buy me this island, it would make me very happy/you’ll never have to read one of my unhinged blog posts again!

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