Why Wasn't I Called to Model for This 2015 Erotic Carp Calendar

To Whom It May Concern at Carponizer, makers of high quality carp equipment,

Hello. You may not know me (because I am not German–at least outside of my family heritage), but my name is Kate Dries. The Daily Dot has brought it to my attention that you have released a calendar featuring women and carp having a great time. Or, by your description (which I assume has been slightly garbled due to Google Translate):

During the shoot greatest emphasis was placed on the well-being of carp and cute women. Who hereby can not make friends, we recommend the fish fingers calendar, where everything is hidden under a crispy breading. The Carponizer carp Calendar is a treat for the men’s heart beat faster. * High quality offset printing refined with Varnish * 12 nice pictures to look at * 30 x 42 cm * unique in the quality of the recordings !! * Spiral bound * Angel Calendar

I appreciate spiral-bound items (and being an angel), and would love to have been asked to be a part of this calendar, which retails for €18,95 and was apparently shot by a French photographer at a pond that conveniently belongs to your proprietor, Hendrik Pöhler.

On a basic level, I am very comfortable with the water; I was a competitive swimmer for many years, which means standing in still water would be no issue for me.

I am also very comfortable with fish. A little-known-fact about me that you would have discovered had you read my college admissions essay is that I grew up above a fish market and would regularly pass large tuna sitting on ice on my way to school every day.

I could definitely handle carp from all angles.

A friend to wild animals, I especially appreciate that these carp were reportedly “repeatedly moistened when shooting with water to make them suffer as little stress.”

And finally, I get along well with others, especially women, so posing with a friend (or acquaintance!) like this would have been no trouble for me, none indeed.

In conclusion, Carponizer, I really think you missed an opportunity to win over someone who is currently ambivalent about carp, someone who could share her newfound love with others like herself.

Sincerely,

Kate Dries

We’ll Never Know If I Truly Love Carp in My Heart of Hearts

Previously: Why Wasn’t I Called to Model for the Bavarian 2015 Hot Potato Calendar