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"Why Do The Smartest Women Have The Toughest Time Dating?" Because We Deal With Idiots.

Illustration for article titled Why Do The Smartest Women Have The Toughest Time Dating? Because We Deal With Idiots.

Just when I blocked out the last of the "Black woman, you are going to die without a man!" madness, hypnotist-turned-love doctor Alex Benzer decided smart women need to be taken down a peg. Fuck this noise.

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I'm jumping up on my soapbox here, because I am sick of being vilified for being who I am. By logic, this shouldn't even affect me - I've been off the dating market for three years, and will continue to be for the foreseeable future.

But the constant drumbeat of "this is what's wrong with you!" permeates even the most stable of towers, and it is beyond ridiculous that there is an entire industry waiting to tell women all the things that are wrong with them. And why am I supposed to compensate for being black, smart, or accomplished?

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Tipsters hit us with this gem yesterday, titled "Why Do Smart Women Have The Toughest Time Dating?" written by Alex Benzer, author of Tao of Dating, Tao of Persuasion, and Tao of Sexual Mastery. And he has the answer for all of the smart women out there who can't find a man:

What compels me to write this article today is a recent trip to the Harvard-Yale Game festivities, reminding me of how smart, educated women routinely sabotage their own chances for romantic fulfillment.

Because, as fabulous as these ladies are, all of their failed relationships have one thing in common: themselves. And frankly, telling them that men are losers or even proving it conclusively doesn't improve anyone's plight. Useful advice is about something you can change.

And what needs fixing? According to Benzer, we think too much, we're too difficult, we're competitive, and not quite feminine enough. Some choice quotes from Benzer:

Once a relationship with Mr Smartypants is under foot, often she unconsciously starts to compare and compete with him. She feels intimidated by his intelligence: "Is he smarter/more educated/more successful than me?" Now she's feeling silly when she doesn't know something, or tries to one-up him and have the upper hand. The guy doesn't quite know what's happening, except that the very trait that made him attractive in the first place is now causing tension.

Remember that guys admire and respect a woman who can take charge and kick ass. Guys respect and absolutely adore a woman who can take charge and kick ass but doesn't feel the need to prove it around him. According to Marianne Williamson's insight in A Woman's Worth, "In intimate relations with men, I want to major in feminine and minor in masculine."

Newsflash from the cosmos: masculine things gravitate towards feminine things. So if you want more masculine things (e.g. guys) in your life, then cultivate your feminine energy. Men are suckers for your sensuality, the swing of your hips, the nape of your neck, the curve of your lips. They absolutely love it when you take pleasure in the physical world through touch, food and sex.

Men also love it when you're open to needing and receiving their help. They like to feel useful and wanted, even though they know full well that you can open doors and run companies on your own. Receptivity is a quintessential feminine quality, so if you want more good men in your life, be receptive to their offerings.

If you're embodying joy, compassion and sensuality, telling him how great he is, making him feel like a billion bucks and the conqueror of worlds, you have no competition. Anywhere. Good men will come out of the woodwork to find a goddess like you.

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Roger that. While Benzer starts off his piece extolling all the things he loves about smart women, it's clear what needs to happen from his piece. Less books, more of this:

And when you're finished making sure you've achieved an acceptable level of hotness for society at large, adhere to the three principles Chris Rock so helpfully outlined in Bigger and Blacker: men want food, sex, and silence, so feed him, fuck him, and shut the fuck up.

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Simple right? It so simple that every time I read a dating guide (penned by either gender) I already know what's coming. Wear tighter clothes. Suck more dick. Cook more food. Be nicer. Be prettier. Wear skirts and dresses. Work your stove, not your brain. On and on and on.

And why don't I see articles telling men to step their game up if they want to land a smart woman? From my feminist writings, I know there are way too many men that have no idea there is a difference between approaching someone and street harassment. (Here's a clue - if she does not respond to any of your advances, and you keep going, you're rolling into harassment territory.) And I'm not saying you should never approach someone on the street. But it's kind of bad when the best thing I can hope for when someone tries to pick me up on the street sounds like this:

Can we please get an article about spitting game to a smart woman?

Here, I'll start off:

1. Though a quaint hobby from a time long ago, some people still enjoy reading books. Therefore, if you approach a smart woman and she is reading, a good thing to ask is "What are you reading?" or "Would you recommend that book?" Refrain from saying things like "I haven't read a book since I finished high school!" or "Why is a pretty girl like you reading?" This will not impress her and may actually ruin your chances.

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2. Smart women like to discuss a variety of interesting topics on dates. Do not be intimidated - many women enjoy conversation around the arts, current events, theory and ideas, interesting books, television shows, cooking, travel...even more "taboo" topics like politics and religion. Find out her interests by asking her questions.

Add in your own recommendations, and feel free to adjust the gender identification/sexuality to make it relevant to your own experience.

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Why Do the Smartest Women Have the Toughest Time Dating? [Huffington Post]

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DISCUSSION

xanthumgum-old
xanthum_gum

As a male I'll take the plunge and share a potentially volatile opinion and state that intelligence in females is one of the qualities that doesn't add to attractiveness once it goes past a certain level. No reasonable guy wants a girl to be a total idiot and the idea that men all want bimbos is not true. But once a girl's intelligence is above a certain level, adding more to it doesn't really make her more attractive to men. Once it's below a certain level then it becomes a turn-off to any decent guy, but amping it up a bunch doesn't make her more attractive. I think it's analogous to "niceness" in men. Every girl wants a "nice" guy, but once a guy has demonstrated to a girl that he's not an asshole and treats her and others with respect and consideration, if he were to somehow try and add to his "niceness" and somehow be more and more nicer, it actually ceases to be an increasingly attractive quality in a man and could even get to be a bit of a turn-off. I think women get upset about this, because I feel for men, more and more intelligence in a man usually continues to be viewed as increasingly attractive by women for the most part, without such a diminishing level of return above a certain level. Without doubt, this is perceived by women with high intelligence as being unfair (which, arguably it is), and they get upset and write comments like those reflected in the other ones here on this article.