Just when I blocked out the last of the "Black woman, you are going to die without a man!" madness, hypnotist-turned-love doctor Alex Benzer decided smart women need to be taken down a peg. Fuck this noise.
I'm jumping up on my soapbox here, because I am sick of being vilified for being who I am. By logic, this shouldn't even affect me - I've been off the dating market for three years, and will continue to be for the foreseeable future.
But the constant drumbeat of "this is what's wrong with you!" permeates even the most stable of towers, and it is beyond ridiculous that there is an entire industry waiting to tell women all the things that are wrong with them. And why am I supposed to compensate for being black, smart, or accomplished?
Tipsters hit us with this gem yesterday, titled "Why Do Smart Women Have The Toughest Time Dating?" written by Alex Benzer, author of Tao of Dating, Tao of Persuasion, and Tao of Sexual Mastery. And he has the answer for all of the smart women out there who can't find a man:
What compels me to write this article today is a recent trip to the Harvard-Yale Game festivities, reminding me of how smart, educated women routinely sabotage their own chances for romantic fulfillment.
Because, as fabulous as these ladies are, all of their failed relationships have one thing in common: themselves. And frankly, telling them that men are losers or even proving it conclusively doesn't improve anyone's plight. Useful advice is about something you can change.
And what needs fixing? According to Benzer, we think too much, we're too difficult, we're competitive, and not quite feminine enough. Some choice quotes from Benzer:
Once a relationship with Mr Smartypants is under foot, often she unconsciously starts to compare and compete with him. She feels intimidated by his intelligence: "Is he smarter/more educated/more successful than me?" Now she's feeling silly when she doesn't know something, or tries to one-up him and have the upper hand. The guy doesn't quite know what's happening, except that the very trait that made him attractive in the first place is now causing tension.
Remember that guys admire and respect a woman who can take charge and kick ass. Guys respect and absolutely adore a woman who can take charge and kick ass but doesn't feel the need to prove it around him. According to Marianne Williamson's insight in A Woman's Worth, "In intimate relations with men, I want to major in feminine and minor in masculine."
Newsflash from the cosmos: masculine things gravitate towards feminine things. So if you want more masculine things (e.g. guys) in your life, then cultivate your feminine energy. Men are suckers for your sensuality, the swing of your hips, the nape of your neck, the curve of your lips. They absolutely love it when you take pleasure in the physical world through touch, food and sex.
Men also love it when you're open to needing and receiving their help. They like to feel useful and wanted, even though they know full well that you can open doors and run companies on your own. Receptivity is a quintessential feminine quality, so if you want more good men in your life, be receptive to their offerings.
If you're embodying joy, compassion and sensuality, telling him how great he is, making him feel like a billion bucks and the conqueror of worlds, you have no competition. Anywhere. Good men will come out of the woodwork to find a goddess like you.
Roger that. While Benzer starts off his piece extolling all the things he loves about smart women, it's clear what needs to happen from his piece. Less books, more of this:
And when you're finished making sure you've achieved an acceptable level of hotness for society at large, adhere to the three principles Chris Rock so helpfully outlined in Bigger and Blacker: men want food, sex, and silence, so feed him, fuck him, and shut the fuck up.
Simple right? It so simple that every time I read a dating guide (penned by either gender) I already know what's coming. Wear tighter clothes. Suck more dick. Cook more food. Be nicer. Be prettier. Wear skirts and dresses. Work your stove, not your brain. On and on and on.
And why don't I see articles telling men to step their game up if they want to land a smart woman? From my feminist writings, I know there are way too many men that have no idea there is a difference between approaching someone and street harassment. (Here's a clue - if she does not respond to any of your advances, and you keep going, you're rolling into harassment territory.) And I'm not saying you should never approach someone on the street. But it's kind of bad when the best thing I can hope for when someone tries to pick me up on the street sounds like this:
Can we please get an article about spitting game to a smart woman?
Here, I'll start off:
1. Though a quaint hobby from a time long ago, some people still enjoy reading books. Therefore, if you approach a smart woman and she is reading, a good thing to ask is "What are you reading?" or "Would you recommend that book?" Refrain from saying things like "I haven't read a book since I finished high school!" or "Why is a pretty girl like you reading?" This will not impress her and may actually ruin your chances.
2. Smart women like to discuss a variety of interesting topics on dates. Do not be intimidated - many women enjoy conversation around the arts, current events, theory and ideas, interesting books, television shows, cooking, travel...even more "taboo" topics like politics and religion. Find out her interests by asking her questions.
Add in your own recommendations, and feel free to adjust the gender identification/sexuality to make it relevant to your own experience.
Why Do the Smartest Women Have the Toughest Time Dating? [Huffington Post]