On Monday night’s premiere of The Bachelor Season 20, there were few surprises, except that Ben Higgins was sexually appealing. That was crazy. But otherwise, it was pretty standard: Chris Harrison was tan, a Fox News employee got the first impression rose, someone brought in a mini-horse, and the redhead got sent home.
Not to brag, but I did call it!
“He may have not been into redheads,” Laura, an account executive, said in her exit interview. “Honestly, some people aren’t.”
I’m so sorry, I was weeping under my coffee table but now I am back! Laura, who is 24, needs to probably not be getting married right now anyway, but what the fuck happened here, hm? True, she told Ben that he could call her “Red Velvet” and a fun fact in her bio is that she’s allergic to rice, but whatever, Laura is pretty and wore a nice dress and had very toned arms and seemed smart enough—only to get passed the F over for a creepy dentist wearing a giant rose on her head whose entire face was contoured, and a drunk fear-mongerer named Lace who seemed possessed by the spirit of a Cecily Strong skit.
Now, listen: we have talked quite a bit about the very real diversity issues that have long plagued The Bachelor. This is not a diversity issue. Redheads are just a different kind of white person, the kind that maybe can’t go to the beach as much and got asked about their pubes a lot in middle school. There is something going on here, however, and I’m not just saying that because I’m personally offended every time someone who looks like me gets sexually rejected. That is also true, though.
In the past six seasons of The Bachelor, AKA all the seasons I have watched, women with red hair have not done well (“well” in the sense of getting engaged; in terms of avoiding relationships with narcissistic conservatives battling rage issues, they were all winners). Let’s take a look:
Nicole, the redheaded contestant on Chris Soules’ season, was sent home on night 1. Kylie Lewis, who dyed her hair red for Juan Pablo’s season and therefore doesn’t really count, was sent home on night 1. There were no redheaded contestants on Sean’s season, besides Sean’s facial hair (Jackie was an obvious dye job so I’m not counting her either, SORRY). Oh god, remember Ben Flajnik’s season? There was a redhead named Jennifer who got sent home on round 5 after a one-on-one date. Lindsay, the redhead on Brad Womack’s season, was sent home on week 4. There were no redheads on Jake Pavelka’s season.
The redheaded community, which is not a real community, is up in arms:
Wow! So what’s happening here?
OPTION A: Nothing.
In this scenario, I should have probably written something else today. Only about 2-6 percent of the U.S. population has red hair, which, if the show is attempting to be representative, translates to approximately one redheaded contestant per season. As such, the odds are low that any would get very far.
I reject this option.
OPTION B: Dumb men aren’t attracted to redheaded women.
I guess Ben doesn’t appear to be all that dumb, especially in the context of this show, but he is a software salesman, which sounds like a made-up job.
OPTION C: Chris Harrison thinks redheads are gross and boring.
Like, who is really pulling the strings here, people?! Do you even watch UnREAL?! Chris Harrison has a type, and it’s blonde.
OPTION D: Redheads don’t sign up for The Bachelor, because they would get skin cancer from all the pool and ocean stuff.
“Sorry Ben, I have to get off this yacht, I have a heat rash and am afraid to die.”
OPTION E: Redheads do sign up for The Bachelor, but keep dying in freak accidents before they arrive because did you know that 94 percent of redheads perish in freak accidents?
OPTION F: Laura is 24, a redhead, and from Louisville, KY; I am 25, a redhead, and from Lexington, KY. I am Laura, and I thought Ben’s haircut was ugly and let him dump me.
The Undercut is over!!!!!!!
OPTION G: Redheads aren’t real, life is a mirage, I am not myself, we are no one and nothing.
I feel faint, what do you guys think?
Contact the author at email@example.com.
Image via ABC/The Bachelor.