Who's Getting a Snail Facial This Weekend?

Apparently the latest thing in the "global beauty and wellness craze" is snail facials. And some intrepid reporter for the AP went to Thailand to find out whether or not having snails slime all over your face turned back the proverbial clock.

The snails are fine, French snails, raised by dashing Frenchmen for the sole purpose of creeping on your face. The snails are fed a fancy diet of "chemical-free carrots, cabbage and aloe on a certified organic farm."

The reporter opted for the "45-minute Snail Spa Celebrity Course" for a mere $30 (a "bargain"!). Then, he enjoyed a "balmy coolness" "as they proceeded to slide over my cheeks, furrow through my eyebrows and tickle my lips, taking particular liking to my nose since snails are fond of climbing."


And finally:

Opening my eyes, I got a macro lens view of one critter perched on my nose tip. Its twin, antennae-like feelers were weaving about, possibly seeking an escape route with its tiny eyes. The snail's 14,000 microscopic teeth produced a slight, not unpleasant, scratching when it slid toward my nostrils.

So, if truth be told, I sort of missed my harmless, sensuous sextet when they were dislodged, clinging to my skin with a gentle suction.

But did it work? "When I returned home, my wife described my face as "different" but declined to go into detail."

How long until snail facials end up on GOOP?

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I'm thinking ... I would actually love to have one of those pedicures where you soak your feet in a pool and tiny fish come and nibble away at the dead skin on your feet. (A friend of mine did this in Japan and said it was both refreshing and adorable.) And I like snakes, so I would definitely go for a snake massage. But at the present I am just saying NOPE to snails on my face.* DO. NOT. WANT.

* I won't eat them, either.