Who's American Horror Story's Baddest Witch? (Now With Chainsaws!)

Is it just me or was last night’s Coven so much fun? Sure, there was a witch burning, a blinding by acid, a zombie attack and a suuuuper creepy hospital scene and SURE, not all of that made sense, but the non-stop action (along with the show’s increasingly awesome quips and outfits) only served to make it extra enjoyable. Plus, Madame LaLaurie and Queenie hugged so RACIAL HARMONY ACCOMPLISHED.

Enough with the prattle. Let’s rank these witches.

Zoe

So far in Coven, Zoe’s been a bit of an — I don’t know — milquetoast bore? Yeah, let’s go with that. But no more! Last night, Zoe got B-A-D BAD once she unexpectedly took control of Miss Robichaux’s during the Marie Laveau-controlled zombie attack.

I don’t know where this version of Zoe has been hiding all this time, but I like her. I especially like her when she picks up a chainsaw and starts hacking the undead to bits on her front lawn. Of course, she’s not simply wielding the power of a conveniently discovered chainsaw. No, in a moment of panic, she taps into a serious MAGICAL power that she didn’t even know existed.

“I don’t know what that was, but they got some real power in that witch house now,” Laveau remarks after Zoe manages to stop her Voodoo zombie spell dead (again?) in its tracks.

This — along with her out-of-this-world ability to pull off a hat — all points to Zoe being the next Supreme. It’s a slightly boring and predictable choice, but, after seeing her in warrior mode last night, I think I am okay with it. At the very least, we can all agree how great it is that the power to fuck someone to death is no longer her only strength.

Of course, being the next Supreme also means being in danger, especially when Fiona is around. “I like a witch who knows how to fight,” she tells Zoe as they burn zombie corpses together. “You’ve done this coven a great service.”

I’m guessing that gratitude has a soon-to-be discovered expiration date.

Why she’s the baddest: Despite having gone through the slightly traumatizing experience of reanimating the corpse of her not-quite boyfriend, only to have him immediately murder his sexually abusive mother, Zoe’s bounced back better than ever. She’s a strong leader when Miss Robichaux’s is under attack (200 points), repeatedly puts herself at risk to save the lives of her fellow witches, even after they make some questionable choices (150), and is endlessly resourceful (150). And not to beat a dead horse, but HER HATS OH GOD HER HATS (500). Total points: 1000

Why she’s not: Girl did good this week, although I am slightly concerned (SEXUALLY concerned) over where Kyle wandered off to. Whatever, I’m sure the pair will be reunited soon enough.

Final Verdict: 1000. Ultimate Grand (almost) Supreme.

Nan

SHE RAN OUT ONTO A LAWN OF ZOMBIES BECAUSE OF A LAME BOY. NEGATIVE 500.

JK, very valiant. She can have her 500 points back, plus another 500.

Final Verdict: 500. Let’s hope she gets laid out of all this.

Fiona

It was a rough week for Fiona (and mothers in general). I guess you could say it was a rougher week for her daughter Cordelia who was blinded by acid by a stranger in a public restroom, but she slept all through this episode, so I guess she’ll have to deal with her painful reality next week.

Fiona, meanwhile, must sit and wait at Cordelia’s bedside in the spookiest hospital ever (seriously, I went to a haunted house in a REAL abandoned prison this weekend and even those ruins which once housed actual human atrocities — and those who committed them — seemed more likely to pass a health inspection than this fictional health facility).

Getting restless and in need of more pills, Fiona decides to take a little stroll to the dispensary (being a witch has not blessed her with the ability to heal her daughter’s eyes but it does allow her to bypass all keycard access). While there, she stumbles upon a mother who was left sobbing in a puddle of her own blood after delivering a stillborn daughter. To be clear, this was not a dream sequence. This is just how hospitals treat their patients on American Horror Story.

In a rare moment of kindness, Fiona — burdened with the guilt of her own crappy parenting — brings the baby back to life and leaves the shocked and grateful mother without an explanation. Turns out, a little resurrection didn’t take all that much out of her because Fiona’s work for the day is far from over. How could it be when she still has a witch to frame?!

Suspecting that her lifelong rival Myrtle Snow is responsible for blinding Cordelia (and just wanting to get her off her case in general), Fiona accuses Myrtle in front of the Witches’ Council of both destroying the coven from the inside and being, like, toooootally obsessed with her. Only the latter is true, but when the Council catches Myrtle with acid burns on her hand that are similar to those on Cordelia’s face, they take it as a sign of guilt and sentence her to burn at the stake. Too bad the burns were all a part of Fiona’s supreme trickery. Really, she just used Queenie — Human Voodoo Doll extraordinaire — to burn Myrtle for her.

Why she’s the baddest: When it comes to Fiona, it seems like the only thing you can predict is that you will never be able to predict anything. She has moments of extreme compassion (+150), but then she’ll turn around and expertly frame an innocent witch for murder (cruel, but still bad ass — +150). She is a champion manipulator (+200) and will not let anyone get in her way (+600). Lastly, to quote my coworker Dodai Stewart, “Jessica Lange’s manicure needs its own tumblr.” (+100, and another 100 points to you if you’re the one to make fuckyeahjessicalangesnails.tumblr.com happen) Total points: 1200

Why she’s not: She’s not exactly stable, but that does not make her any less bad.

Final Verdict: 1,2oo. Lange wins again. Keep this up and her baditude could become boring.

Myrtle

Myrtle obviously did not win this week. Quite the opposite, really. She lost so hard, in fact, that she ended up getting burned to death at the stake, all after JLang completely wiped the floor with her. As Omar Little once said, “Come at the king, you best not miss” and Myrtle missed by a mile.

Don’t get too sad, though. She may have died, but she died to an awesome song (“Right Place, Wrong Time” by Dr. John) and, more importantly, this isn’t the last we’ll be seeing of her and her fantastic wardrobe considering…