Whoops, Says Lindsay Lohan—My Mom Totally WASN'T on Cocaine and It's Actually My DAD I Hate

It’s a classic mistake! I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve accidentally phoned my dad at 4 am to let him know that my mom was the devil and that she’d kidnapped me in a cocaine-fueled rampage and that he should call the police—only to realized later that my mom was actually just catching up on Reader’s Digest over a mug of sleepytime tea the entire time! And that it was actually my DAD who was dead to me! MY BAD. Ah, the follies of youth. Anyhoo, Lindsay Lohan says that’s what’s up with her.

Lindsay Lohan deeply regrets her blowout argument with her mother Dina Lohan — telling TMZ, what she said on the audio recording was NOT true … her mother was NOT on cocaine during the fight.

Lindsay called in to “TMZ Live” moments ago — telling us, “I told my dad a really hurtful and untruthful lie about my mom. She was not on cocaine.”

…Lindsay tells us, turning to her father in a moment of desperation was a massive mistake and she is now “done” with him forever — adding, Michael “doesn’t know what it means to be a father. He doesn’t want to be a dad.”

I feel so, so, so, so bad for Lindsay Lohan. I really do. What a shitty hand. [TMZ]

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Oh, this is amazing. Courtney Stodden and TOOOOOOOMS weren’t allowed to spend the night together during the filming of Couples Therapy because of child labor laws. Because she’s a child. Oh, and here’s a bunch of creepy stuff they said:

Dr. Jenn asks why, since Courtney was legally a child, they didn’t wait until she was 21 to get together.

“I wasn’t thinking responsibly,” Doug said. “To be fair, I truly wasn’t thinking responsibly. I was thinking with my heart.”

Dr. Jenn asked why they didn’t just date and if they got married just because they wanted to have sex.

“I won’t lie to you it wasn’t the farthest thing from my mind because she is this beautiful sexy woman, but it wasn’t the prevalent thing on my mind,” Doug confessed. “It wasn’t primary motivation, I found true love.”

Courtney agreed with her husband. “I didn’t want to wait either, I pushed it because I wanted to be with you. Someone that looks like me physically… I had so many men, write me, follow me home, I knew that I wanted to wait ‘til I found that one person that I felt safe with.”

‘Kay, guys. Do your thing. I still think “Dourtney” is totally funny, so kudos on that. [Radar]

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Paul Ryan‘s iron-pumping AC Slater cheesecake photo shoot is obviously the best thing that has ever happened to this great nation ever—even better than those daguerrotype portraits of a teenage Abraham Lincoln posing with his clarinet. Also, “Mansplaining Paul Ryan” is my permanent boyfriend. Also hahahahahhahaahahahahaahahahahaha. [ONTD] [MansplainingPaulRyan]

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Pete Townshend says Pete Townshend’s autobiography rulz, other rock stars’ autobiographies DROOLZ!!!!!

Pete, 67, who has released the tome Who I Am, says of Keith’s recent offering Life: “I got about halfway through and I found myself thinking ‘I know all this.’ “

As to Eric’s memoir Clapton, he tells Rolling Stone magazine: “I don’t know that Eric does himself a great service. He’s such a good friend and he makes himself look too uncomplicated. I think he’s a lot deeper, a lot darker, a lot more interesting than he portrays himself.”

Ow ow fetch the fire retardant and burn balm for I am burning from the burn!!!!! [Express]

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• Here’s Ellen DeGeneres in “uncomfortable lesbian goes to the prom!” [mlkshk]
• When I first glanced at this photo I couldn’t read the small print and I invented a whole narrative in my head wherein The Situation had written a book called The Situation: Pussy Hunter and I got super outraged. But that’s actually not what happened at all. [E!]
• Ugh, headline: “Madonna Looks Good After Getting Waxed.” [E!]
• Britney Spears has hella money, you guys. [TMZ]
• That horrible Miley Cyrus scissors bandit was convicted of trespassing. [TMZ]
• Finite incantatem! Stevie Nicks is super sorry that she said she wants to muggle-duel Nicki Minaj to the death. She doesn’t. She really doesn’t. [Express]
• Erica Jong‘s mother died. [Yahoo!]
• Oh just fuck you guys. Fuck you. Go away. [Radar]
• Here’s Joe Biden with a puppy. [Eeeeeeee!]
• Extremely important. [Eeeeeeeeeeeeee.]