Who Will Save Vanderpump Rules from Katie Maloney?

Photo of iceberg eating iceberg via Bravo.
Photo of iceberg eating iceberg via Bravo.

It’s a special reality TV personality that can carry their own storyline and—as we’re seeing with Katie Maloney on this season of Vanderpump Rules—not everyone is cut out for the job.

Watching her tromp around this season, bangs a-flapping as she commands Scheana, Kristen, and Stassi (a shell of what she once was) to do her bidding and hate who she hates (Lala), keeps bringing to mind an old Jim Halpert quote from The Office. “God, this is so sad,” he says, watching Dwight maliciously write out a new work schedule. “I think this is the smallest amount of power I’ve ever seen go to somebody’s head.”

And so it is with Katie. This entire season is built around her upcoming nuptials to Tom Schwartz (reluctant as he may be), and, boy, is this monster taking “IT’S MY DAY” to a whole new level. Yes, it’s true that everyone on the show is a monster in their own way, but Katie’s horribleness is particularly heinous—not because of her continually awful style choices, but because she’s so goddamn boring. Nastiness paired with wit (Stassi) is fascinating and terrifying to watch, nastiness paired with crazy (Kristen) is its own special train wreck, but nastiness paired with inherent dullness is, quite frankly, Bravo, unforgivable.


In a show where everyone is seemingly battling it out in a Hunger Games to decide who will be The Worst, it’s been incredible to watch Katie manage to barrel her way to the front of the pack, maybe even beating out Jax—whose misogyny might outweigh his alcohol bloat—and long held Most Hated, James Kennedy, the self professed “white Kanye West,” who, last night—like an anthropomorphized cartoon weasel—hissed that all the women at SUR are “thirsty thirsty little girls that need a drink. And I can’t provide water for them.” And then he started sobbing.

And somehow Katie is worse than all that. Even Schwartz, her husband-to-be, seems reluctant to be with her because of her cruel drunken outbursts. “I almost wish I could give Katie some kind of ultimatum like she gave me,” he said in a testimonial. “Either this behavior stops or we’re not getting married. But I don’t have the balls to do that.” While self-awareness has never been a strong suit of the VPR cast, at least, in this, Schwartz has a good read on himself. He doesn’t have the balls because, despite being the most likable person on the show, he’s a coward who would rather get married to someone he hates than suck it up and end things.

It’s not entirely unfathomable: Based on his groomsmen (Jax, Tom Sandoval, and Ariana), his entire social life is based around SUR and therefore intrinsically linked to his awful fiancée. And he’s not wrong—dealing with an angry drunk Katie is scary.


She’s mean, manipulative, and, quite possibly, emotionally abusive. Give her a storyline and, like with her relationships, she’ll stomp it in to a sludgy, tedious mess.

Managing Editor, Jezebel

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Jolie Kerr

I literally asked an empty room, “WHAT AM I EVEN WATCHING RIGHT NOW?” during the through-the-trees scene of Lisa and Ken tag-team abusing James Kennedy.

Truly, we do not deserve the bounty that is VPR, but in these troubled times, I’ll take joy wherever I can find it.