Who Moved My Cheese, The Movie: We Hand Hollywood Its Next Big Blockbusters

By Sadie Stein  |  January 15, 2010 | 7:00pm
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They’re making a movie out of What to Expect When You’re Expecting. They’ve already made movies out of French Women Don’t Get Fat and He’s Just Not That Into You. Here, we give Hollywood its next batch of self-help blockbusters:

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

Tagline: 7 Lives. 7 Habits. 7 Miracles.

Seven very differently-complected people, all of whom have nice apartments in Seattle, find themselves frustrated in their search for meaning and professional success. As each one has an encounter with a surprisingly sage down-and-out bum, they find their lives changing in ways they never expected as they learn: the 7 habits of highly effective people. Single parents, yuppie assholes, misguided teens, selfless social workers, an obligatory old person, the old person’s carer who has her own problems, and one almost-big star will, in one day, find out that sometimes, life isn’t what it seems.

Cast:
The Bum: Morgan Freeman
The Yuppie: Casey Affleck
His Wife: Jennifer Connelly
The Teen: Kat Dennings
The Social Worker: Laura Linney
Obligatory Old Person: Ellen Burstyn
Nurse with Own Problems: Angela Bassett
…and Academy Award Winner F. Murray Abraham

The Road Less Traveled, 25th Anniversary Edition : A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth

Tagline: He’s re-writing the book – on his terms.

Plot: M. Scott Peck, a hip and idealistic psychologist whose notions are too radical for the uptight Establishment, seeks to reconcile the psychoanalytic tradition with the cultural turmoil of the 1970s. With the support of a beautiful and idealistic wife, Scott writes a book that becomes a pop-psych phenomenon. But in his exploration of open marriage and patient-analyst sex…will he risk losing himself?

Cast:
M. Scott Peck: Ed Harris
Lily Ho Peck: Sandra Oh
Sexy Patient: Penelope Cruz
In it for some reason: Courtney Love
Uptight Tool of Evil Establishment: Frank Langella

The Essential Gluten-Free Grocery Guide

Tagline: Lose the gluten – get the guy.

Plot: A sassy young baker discovers, to her horror, that she’s gluten intolerant and that her long-term boyfriend is cheating on her! She dissolves into a montage of ice cream-eating and crying, cleaning out her bread-box in despair, until a sassy sidekick and an equally sassy gay friend appear, make her over, and get her out on the town. It’s only then she realizes that she’s not alone – the little boy down the hall has celiac disease and his hard-working single mom can’t find any bread for him! Our heroine starts a new business, which becomes a cooking show, which makes her a household name. But will she choose the slick TV executive, or the sweet-natured garbazo-fava bean flour farmer…?

Cast:
Wacky Chick: Amy Adams
Sassy Friend: Joy Bryant
Sassy Gay Friend: Michael Urie
Asshole Suitor: Bradley Cooper
Garbazo-fava bean flour farmer: John Corbett

The Master Cleanse

Tag Line: A woman. A Teacher. A Cleansing.

A middle-aged woman finds herself alone after her husband dies tragically. Seeking escape, she rents a farm house on the Yorkshire moors, where she meets a mysterious and reclusive old man. He is, she discovers, Stanley Burroughs, creator of the Master Cleanse, and over time, she realizes that a combination of lemon juice, Grade B Maple syrup and cayenne pepper are the secret to physical and emotional well-being. As she learns about the Drug Companies’ attempts to suppress this healing secret, she discovers a cause – and, since the drug companies have poisoned Burroughs to discredit him, a race against the clock,

Cast:
The woman: Diane Lane
Stanley Burroughs: Anthony Hopkins
Handsome Lawyer: Richard Gere
Evil Tool Of Drug Company: Frank Langella

Who Moved My Cheese?

Tag Line: He’s Processed. She’s Raw. Who Will Melt?

Based on the international best-seller! A type-A loser, working in the production of a processed cheese conglomerate and mired in the rat race (and possibly dealing with some hilarious OCD tendencies) meets a free-spirited Manic Pixie Dream Girl raw-milk cheese producer who rocks his world, broadens his horizons and teaches him that blowing off his job is a morally superior decision because everyone who depends on his work is actually a soulless tool of Boringness who just needs to dance in the rain and eat some spicy ethnic food! In the course of finding himself, Uptight Guy meets her lovable hippie parents, has a hilarious run-in with their goat, and comes to appreciate the power of really strong, untamed cheeses.

Cast:
The Guy: Zach Braff
The Kooky Cheesemaker: Zooey Deschanel
Evil Head of Corporation: Frank Langella
Hippie Dad: Peter Fonda
Hippie Mom: Ali McGraw

…coming to a theatre near you.

‘What to Expect’ Set For Big Screen [UPI]

 
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