If you could not tell from the 500 times the word Sundance was said during this week’s episode of Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, the Sundance Film Festival was in full swing in Utah, harkening back to a time when parties were a real thing and seeing movies with strangers wasn’t a life or death mission. But as usual, we aren’t here to reminisce on what once was, but contemplate what will become of the eternal souls of these beloved housewives should they continue down their sinful paths. Let’s jump straight in.
Lisa - the Mormon Queen of Sundance
Did you know that Sundance is a big fucking deal for Lisa personally? In fact, the sun does not deign to dance or even transit across the Utah sky without first receiving instructions from Lisa during Sundance season. However, bragging about just how important one is considered sinful so maybe she should have just let her actions speak for her. On the other hand, Lisa did take a moment to thank the LDS church for making her the near-perfect specimen that she is—which isn’t Godly but will certainly win some favor points with her Bishop, who will talk to Heavenly Father on Lisa’s behalf.
Jen - the VIP-only Muslim
Sister Jen is struggling to align with the Muslim faith, but her attempt at a “modest” bathing suit has been noted. It’s not exactly going to get her to the front of the heaven line but it’s the thought that counts. Right? Jen still can’t get a hold of her pottymouth and drinking, and once again is falling into the trap of backbiting Mary. Moreover, she also lied about the whole “grandpa fucker” comment and chalked it up to being too drunk to remember. But Jen’s biggest and newest sin came at her party where she tried to facilitate an encounter between two singles with the goal of the two of them engaging in premarital sex. Haram!
Mary - the Pentecostal who is not close to the relative that she hired to be an assistant
For some reason, Mary is really unable to let go of trying to get Jen to acknowledge the “grandpa fucker” comment which is understandable but at the end of the day, Mary has technically fucked her grandpa so she cannot get too upset over people who repeat a known fact. Once again I must restate it does not matter that the grandpa in question is not Mary’s blood grandpa and is instead her maternal grandmother’s second husband. A grandpa is a grandpa is a grandpa. Anywho, Mary had minimal screentime this week but I did catch her wearing a skirt that exposed her knees and *gasp* at least a centimeter and a half of thigh.
Whitney - the only person who wants to have fun, also ex-Mormon
If I ever found myself in Utah, which I don’t know why I would, it would be an honor to attend any event hosted by Whitney. She seems like a great person to sin with. But until that day (never) comes, I must stay the course of judgment. Whitney was up to her usual shenanigans this week with the drinking and swearing but also, giving her husband a lap dance in mixed company. Lap dances are not mentioned in the Bible or the Book of Mormon, but anything overtly sexual outside of the bedroom where marriage is really supposed to happen is generally frowned upon by the Holy Father. She’s got some moves though.
Heather - the Mormon who just wants love, or sex, or both
I am not going to get into Heather and the young gentleman she left Jen’s party with because none of us know what happened once they went out the door. But I will say that I was surprised that Heather even entertained a man who was, how do I say this nicely, not whiter than a cumulus cloud on a bright summer day. Other than the alcohol Heather had a big-time violation this week—that’s right people, she broke one of the Big Ten. Heather covets her cousin’s (Whitney) marriage. Thou shalt not covet!!
Meredith - the Jewish one who is about to be hit with a rule change
Meredith Marks has eluded me and my sin radar nearly every episode and I cannot understand how or why. But this week’s episode has made it crystal clear. Meredith is not really on this show, Meredith is a vehicle for the person who really deserves to be holding that snowflake in the intro: her son Brooks Marks. Brooks is a Bravolebrity in the making in every sense of the word and I now believe that the reason Meredith is so controlled and well put together on the show is because she is trying to leave room for her son to shine. She is sacrificing her privacy so that Brooks can have whatever he wants out of life and that level of sacrifice is so Jewish mom I cannot even.
But because Meredith is just a shell and not willing to commit to the franchise fully, I am now instituting a rule change. Henceforth from this moment on, Meredith and her sins will be judged alongside Brooks and his sins. It is clear they are a package deal and will now be treated as such. Welcome to the real party, Brooks. Please send me your tracksuit.