White House Needs to Convince U.S. That Trump's First 100 Days Didn't Suck

Photo Credit: Getty Images
Photo Credit: Getty Images

Eighty-one days ago, a begrimed burlap puppet choked by a red power tie flopped into the Oval Office. And now, as his first 100 days as President come to a lugubrious close, the White House must try to convince us that they weren’t an utter disaster. Sad!


According to CNN, the 100 day benchmark is a journalistic invention used to determine what the president has managed to accomplished at the apex of his political power. The concept originated with Franklin D. Roosevelt’s presidency: within the first 100 days, FDR passed The New Deal in order to reinvigorate America’s economy. Barack Obama both amplified children’s health insurance coverage and signed off on a $787 billion stimulus package.

Contrastingly, Trump cannot boast many victories—or perhaps, since there are few things he enjoys more than self-aggrandizement, it’s more correct to say that he cannot boast many factual ones. The most memorable event, prior to the haphazard bombing of Syria, has been the defeat of the healthcare replacement bill. The White House likely won’t draw attention to that humiliating snafu.

So then, what will they identify as achievements? Communications director Mike Dubke began strategizing with his team last week. It seems as if the primary focus will be Neil Gorsuch’s confirmation to the Supreme Court. In fact, Trump has already demanded kudos for this event.

“I got it done in the first 100 days,” he bragged during today’s Rose Garden ceremony. “That’s even nice. You think that’s easy?”

Meanwhile, Press Secretary Sean Spicer has begun his own 100 Day campaign. The task falls to him to convince reporters that the last few months have not been a cataclysmic clusterfuck. Via CNN:

“‘As we hit day 81 in the President’s administration, we have done so many great things, including nominate and confirm a Supreme Court justice, roll back more regulations than any president in modern times, roll back the Obama-era war on coal, oil, and natural gas, restored confidence in the economy,’ Spicer said.

He added: ‘We’re now seeing historic levels of consumer, CEO, homebuilder, manufacturer confidence. There’s been a 12 percent gain on the stock market. And we’ve even seen a real resurgence in the mining industry.’”


In other words, black lung disease will soon be making a walloping comeback—and if the next 100 days go just as well, there won’t be a bit of insurance coverage for it. Victories all around.



WE, however, do have something to celebrate.


Team, I gotta ‘fess up, here. Despite my apparent optimism, I didn’t imagine we would make it this far without being sucked into the hot, molten core of the earth. Or without our brains spontaneously radiating the neon green detritus of some laboratory experiment whose controls failed under the weight of entropic centrifugal force emanating from Washington.

My darling Jezebelles and Jezebeaux: this one is for you. 💛

ETA Upon rereading, I see it has only been 81 days. Never mind. We’re doomed.