Tonight marks the Season 3 finale of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills; it is also the first season finale that, as far as we know, will not end with Kim Richards seeking treatment for her alcoholism. Rather, Season 3 has featured Kim post-rehab, sober and surrounded by her boozy cast mates (who thoughtfully celebrated her sobriety with an alcohol-fueled weekend in Ojai) — without Kim's sad slurring to distract the audience, her cast mates' habits are front and center. While RHOBH Season 3 raised a lot of questions — who is Adrienne Maloof in this world? — there's one we've been thinking about: Which Beverly Housewife really drinks the most on camera? Herewith, a tally.
METHODOLOGY: We rewatched all three RHOBH seasons — 51 episodes — and every time a housewife was served a new drink or poured one for herself, we awarded her one point. Wine tastings and drinks thrown in an opponent's face didn't count. Because of editing, it was not always 100% clear if a Housewife was drinking something new, so we only counted those instances where we she was clearly being served a new beverage.
If there were a signature Real Housewives cocktail, it would be equal parts rosé and ego. Throw in a dinner party, and you've got Season 1. Oh, and also disaster.
Camille Grammer, fresh off of several arguments with Kyle (who allegedly told Camille she's a nobody without husband Kelsey), hosts what will later be coined The Dinner Party From Hell, complete with the biggest cocktail glasses you've ever seen. She invites her strange psychic friend, Allison DuBois, who hears more voices the more she drinks — don't we all? — and is set on antagonizing Kyle. Soon, everybody is screaming. It's Allison vs. Kyle, Kyle vs. Camille, and Taylor Armstrong vs. Kim — wait, how did that happen? Kim gets in a jab at Taylor ("Why don't you blow up your lips some more?" Err, OK, Kim) before Taylor acts as the voice of reason — remember this moment, because it doesn't last much longer — and breaks up the party.
Kim's family checks her into rehab, but she checks herself out a week later.
Season 1 Booze Tally
Adrienne = 26
Camille = 20
Kim = 20
Kyle = 34
Lisa = 33
Taylor = 38
More parties + more drinking = more fights. Taylor and husband Russell's marriage is in trouble, and she's unraveling. First, she gets shitfaced in the hot tub at Camille's Beaver Creek property and has a panic attack. The other women blame her reaction on the altitude, but then it happens at sea level, back in BH, at new housewife Brandi Glanville's party. Taylor's mood is souring the party vibe — but it's not enough to stop Kyle from reminding everyone she can do the splits, her go-to party trick — and after two glasses of Chardonnay, she can't stop screaming at the other women. Brandi drinks approximately 15 glasses of wine but retains the common sense to kick Taylor out.
Oh, and Kim checks into rehab again.
Season 2 Booze Tally
Adrienne = 37
Brandi = 32
Camille = 34
Kim = 8
Kyle = 42
Lisa = 42
Taylor = 37, but you'd think she'd had 149
If the first two RHOBH seasons pretended that Kim didn't have a drinking problem, the third was about celebrating Kim's newfound sobriety — with lots and lots of booze! Fresh outta rehab, Kim invites the women for a weekend in Ojai. Wasting no time, the women toast Kim with wine at dinner that night, which eventually ends in a huge blowout between Adrienne and Brandi. A pattern is starting to become apparent.
Kyle and Lisa Vanderpump are at odds, Taylor and Brandi are at each other's throats, and everyone hates the new gal, Yolanda Foster, mostly because she's so self-important that she'd make anyone feel like she needs a glass or 17. The women pull it together enough to do shots of Patrón and backbends while Kim heads off to bed because she can't be around fun juice. Yolanda also calls it a night before the revelry begins, but it's because she's a no-fun mood-killer.
Later in the season, Kim and Kyle tell Taylor she needs to lay off the sauce; the women travel to Paris and have to confront Kim about her sobriety after she acts, well, not sober (don't worry, she was just mixing up her medications oops!); and Adrienne throws a party to promote some trash called Zing vodka. There are lots of people dressed as plants and naked women painted silver. Kim is noticeably not in attendance.
Season 3 Booze Tally
Adrienne = 20
Brandi = 37
Camille = 12
Kim = 0
Kyle = 32
Lisa = 38
Taylor = 19
Yolanda = 14
Lisa's dog, Giggy = 1 "Gig-atini" mixed by Lisa's husband, Ken
With all three seasons accounted for, it's clear that the competition for most on-camera consumption was as stiff as glass of Domaines Ott served with a splash of Mohawk.
Adrienne = 83
Brandi = 69
Camille = 66
Kim = 28
Kyle = 108
Lisa = 113
Taylor = 92
Yolanda = 14
Giggy = 1
With a score of 113, Lisa Vanderpump appears to be the the champ. Maybe it's a Brit thing. Also worth noting: With the exception of Giggy, who is a dog, Kim was actually seen drinking on camera the least during every single season. This makes sense for Season 3, since she's sober, but for all the visible intoxication we saw from Kim before rehab, we actually didn't see her holding many drinks. Was that a conscious decision on the producers' part? Or was Kim buzzed on fumes?
At any rate, congrats to Lisa. Let's toast.
Amanda Woytus is a journalist living in Brooklyn. Follow her on Twitter: @iamthewoytus.