When Beer Goggles Aren't Your Only Problem

End-of-the-Night Goggles

It’s the end of the night and you don’t want to go home. You know the lights will come on in the bar any minute and you will be forced to address what happened to your eye makeup. You unexpectedly start to believe that you have feelings for one of the folks at your table and that your life would be better if they would just head home with you. You have never been attracted to this person before and typically only refer to them by their last name, but suddenly all you can think about is what they would look like lying naked on your taupe IKEA sheets. There’s nothing else going on back at the ranch anyhow. Why not?

Ex-Factor Goggles

This is when your package hasn’t gotten the memo that you hate your ex and never want to date anyone like them ever again. So instead you keep trying to hook up with people that look/talk/dress like them. Your romantic life looks like Mister Rogers’ closet: you may have it in different colors, but it’s still the same sweater.

Plus-One Goggles

There’s some sort of big event looming on the horizon, like a marriage (not yours), work party, or some other kind of social function that you are worried about attending alone lest you be mistaken for a loser. You start to panic. You cannot go to your high school reunion without a date because that bitch from the debate team will be there and of course she’ll say something underminer-y. You’ve forgotten that you are an adult who can, in fact, go to events without a date. You start developing attractions to people who you never would have considered before while trying visualize them in formal wear.

Junk Food Goggles

Everyone loves to eat things that they shouldn’t; generally speaking, this extends to sexual attraction. Many of us like to sleep with things that are bad for us. For example, I have a particular fondness for people who are emotionally unavailable. At this point my libido could probably double as a therapist’s diagnostic tool. Other people always seem to be attracted to the girl who can’t get a real job or the “bad boys” (also known as “guys who are constantly cheating on them”). Whatever your vice, it’s like late-night snacking when you’re not hungry. Just like a bag of Cheetos, it will make you hate yourself in the morning.

Domestication Goggles

Suddenly it occurs to you that your uterus is aging faster than the skin around your eyes. You are not married and you don’t have a baby. Sure, you still have problems remembering to water your houseplants, but YOU NEED TO SETTLE DOWN, BUY NICE DISHES, AND HAVE A BABY NOW. It’s no longer acceptable to date the guy with the unreliable income or the one who shares an apartment with seven other people. They probably won’t share your taste in dishes anyhow. Going forward, you are immediately attracted to anyone who might look nice waiting at the end of an aisle, and whom you believe to be fertile.

Image by Steve Dressler.