What's the Weirdest Lie A Love Interest Has Ever Told You?

Illustration for article titled Whats the Weirdest Lie A Love Interest Has Ever Told You?

No relationship is entirely devoid of secrets; I once went out with a guy for 6 months without him knowing where I lived (I forget why I did this; I was 24 and now that I think of it, the whole thing may have been an experiment? I don't know). But whoever said all's fair in love and war has obviously never attempted to establish a relationship with a person who told a Big, Weird Lie to garner sympathy, loyalty, or some undetermined similar perk. We want to hear all about the time it happened to you.

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We're not trying to go too dark here — everyone's had a boyfriend be like "Hey I love you!" and then it turns out that he doesn't. Or had a partner who's been like, "Derp! Forgot to tell you I'm married!" And then there's the old "I'm leaving her; I swear" line that has been so pummeled in wacky best friend plotlines in romcoms that knowledge of its stupidity is culturally ubiquitous.

No, we're looking for the really weird lie stories. The guy who lied about having cancer. The girl who tried to fake an entire trip to Budapest and even went so far as to attempt geotagging photos taken in one Jezebel staffer's apartment (didn't work). Stories of friends that don't exist, of secret families in North Carolina, of high-powered corporate jobs that are actually unemployment checks.

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I'll start with one that I'm sure won't be hard to top: One of my ex boyfriends told me, shortly after we started dating, that he was colorblind. So sometimes just to mess with him, I'd change the color of text in emails I'd send him to red with a green background. I would make jokes about Christmas being a cruel holiday for him. I'd ask him questions about what it was like to go to the movies, to watch TV. After about a year and a half of this, we were walking down Clark Street in Chicago when I pointed out a homemade poster that was garishly green and red. "I bet that bothers you," I said. "What?" he responded. "Because, you know, you can't see the letters." "Um, I can see the letters." "But I thought colorblind people couldn't see red and green." "Erin, I'm not colorblind." Cool. Cool moment.

Anyway, I'm sure of you can dredge something weirder from your memory banks. You know what to do.

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DISCUSSION

queenoftheimps
queen of the imps

Is it okay if I pull one from a third party's relationship? Because I have a doozy.

A friend of mine since elementary school briefly held a relationship with a girl I will call Sarah (not her real name) while we were all in our junior year of high school. Sarah had always been a liar, and we knew this. Up to the age of 14-15, she tried to convince us that she was actually an elf, or an oracle, or a half-angel, whichever mystical creature was her favorite that day. She would invent stories of boys sending her love letters, letters which all seemed to have her handwriting. One time, she actually stole a story I wrote and submitted it to her English class for a writing assignment.

Well, while she was dating my friend Erin (also not her real name), she started telling us about her cousin "Joel". "Joel" had never really been mentioned before, so already we knew something was up. Particularly since "Joel" was in the Witness Protection Program with his mother, a former prostitute, and designed video games for a living at the age of 21. We were not allowed to mention "Joel" in front of her family because "it would upset them".

"Joel" would, at points, send IMs to Erin and several of her friends (me included), asking probing questions about what our thoughts were of Sarah. "Joel" even called Erin at one point, sounding suspiciously like a 16 year-old girl trying to lower her voice.

Even at 16 years old, we all knew what was going on, and no one really bought it, not even Erin. So it wasn't much of a shock when Sarah announced one day that "Joel is actually my alternate personality, I hope you guys are all okay with that". Shockingly, she and Erin didn't break up for a few more months afterwards.