In the immortal words of Freud, “No mortal can keep a secret. If the lips are silent, he chatters with his fingertips; betrayal oozes out of him at every pore.” This is a thought I revisit often; for instance, last week, I ran into a very distant acquaintance at a CVS while purchasing two things: a box of super tampons and a plunger. He knew, and I knew he knew, that I was menstruating at a rate that exceeded my toilet’s capacity. Betrayal was not the only thing oozing out of me.
The Cut reports that women who are cheating on their husbands are more likely to shop at “labels like Banana Republic, J. Crew, and Chico’s.” In addition, telltale signs of infidelity include a rapid switch from donning sweatpants to “maxi dresses, colored skinny jeans, and pencil skirts with slits.” So from now on, whenever you see a woman wearing a wedding ring while buying colored skinny jeans from Chico’s, you will know, and she will know that you know, that she’s having an extramarital affair.
This begs the question: what other shameful secrets do your purchases reveal? If we can extrapolate an affair from the sudden purchase of a sexy pencil skirt, what else can we extrapolate from seemingly innocent shopping trips? To answer this question, I’ve compiled a handy guide of hypothetical receipts and what sinister truths they’re probably hiding:
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