Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom, two bad ideas, were photographed whispering to each other at a Golden Globes afterparty Sunday night, and you know what that means: they’ll soon start texting, then they’ll start canoodling, then they’ll start holding hands, then they’ll get married, then Perry will get pregnant, then one or both of them will have an affair, then Perry will release a beautiful single about breakups and motherhood, and then Orlando Bloom will be photographed whispering something at Selena Gomez on a curb.

But for now we’re still on step one, and I have just finished imagining the five most likely whispered conversations the eventual couple had last night.

1.

KATY: Have you seen John Mayer?

ORLANDO: Here? At this party? Or recently?

KATY: Here. Or, both.

ORLANDO: I think I saw him last week. Why?

KATY: But not here?

ORLANDO: No, last week.

KATY: OK. Cool.

ORLANDO: That reminds me. Have you seen Selena Gomez?

KATY: Here? Or recently?

ORLANDO: Both.

KATY: No.

ORLANDO: Good.

KATY: Have you ever been in love?

ORLANDO: I thought once, but it wasn’t real. Have you?

KATY: A whole bunch of times.

2.

KATY: Did you like The Revenant?

ORLANDO: Didn’t see it.

KATY: What about The Martian?

ORLANDO: Didn’t see it.

KATY: The Big Short?

ORLANDO: Didn’t see it.

KATY: Spotlight?

ORLANDO: Didn’t see it.

KATY: Carol?

ORLANDO: I don’t know her.

KATY: The Danish Girl?

ORLANDO: How do you know about the Danish girl? Who have you been talking to?

KATY: Trainwreck?

ORLANDO: Look, I’m trying to get my act together!

3.

KATY: If I went to Taco Bell after this dumb party, would you join me?

ORLANDO: Is the Pope Catholic?

KATY: Yes, but if I went to Taco Bell after this dumb party, would you join me?

4.

KATY: So do you think Leo’s gonna win the Oscar?

ORLANDO: The man had better, after what he went through with that bear.

KATY: What do you mean?

ORLANDO: You know, the whole [hand gesture] with the bear.

KATY: But the bear wasn’t real.

ORLANDO: That’s what he had to tell himself to get through it, I’m sure.

KATY: The bear was fake. A computer made the bear.

ORLANDO: Computers can do a lot of shit, Katy. But computers can’t do...that.

KATY: I’m going to go talk to Brie Larson now.

ORLANDO: “Brie Larson” is a simulation.

KATY: Um, I’m...going to...go...talk to Brie Larson now.

5.

KATY: You’re not really an elf, right?

ORLANDO: No.

KATY: But you met some?

ORLANDO: What?

KATY: For research. Don’t you all do research?

ORLANDO: Let’s talk about what I’m interesting in researching tonight, if you know what I mean.

KATY: Elves?

ORLANDO: No.

KATY: Orcs?

ORLANDO: No, Katy. You.

KATY: Like on Wikipedia? Not everything on there is accurate. I hate Wikipedia.

ORLANDO: Actually, you know what? I am an elf.

KATY: I knew it.


Contact the author at bobby@jezebel.com.

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