What to Wear in a Pandemic When You Are Desperate for $185 Sushi

Illustration for article titled What to Wear in a Pandemic When You Are Desperate for $185 Sushi
Image: Backgrid

The Kardashians have given us so much. As a family, they’re a fabulous text on the trappings of modern American fame, and its erosion of one’s soul and moral fiber. With the pandemic overwhelming Los Angeles, at the behest of our terrible mayor’s insistence on protecting curbside restaurant dining over its residents, the Kardashians also provide for us a blueprint. Together, their various appearances at Nobu this summer are an excellent guide on what to wear when you are a celebrity en route to an overpriced sushi eatery, hungry for the flash of the paparazzi’s cameras.

I cannot understate it enough how low the Kardashians have set the bar for their combined fashion prowess. Even with Kylie Jenner and Kimmie Kardashian’s talent for jacking everything Rihanna and Naomi Campbell have ever worn, they still have yet to learn just what a proper outfit is, or how to style themselves. If more of us followed the laws Kim has set for herself in the wardrobe department, we’d all be wearing snakeskin pants and neon bras with chunky leather blazers, while our mom followed behind us in a suit she’s owned since 1983.

With all of them working so hard to dress the absolute ugliest they possibly can amid the pandemic, I figured it best to honor their dedication to the cause by condensing it into an easy to follow, step-by-step instruction manual. Remember: No matter what you might wear to Nobu, just remember to wear a mask! I’m watching, and waiting. Enjoy!

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L.A. is just too damn hot to be wearing pleather without a mask

L.A. is just too damn hot to be wearing pleather without a mask

Illustration for article titled What to Wear in a Pandemic When You Are Desperate for $185 Sushi
Image: Backgrid

This one feels obvious. If you’re going to ask your security to walk you to the restaurant, please allow them to at least wear a mask. As for yourself, skip the pants entirely! The trend is about four years too late anyway.

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Snakeskin? Really?

Snakeskin? Really?

Illustration for article titled What to Wear in a Pandemic When You Are Desperate for $185 Sushi
Image: Backgrid

I know we all have our vices. Me? I’m addicted to denim. I’d wear it to bed if I could. But there is absolutely nothing more unforgivable than snakeskin, let alone poorly-tailored snakeskin. To then have the gall to pair it with a chunky leather jacket, no mask, a neon bra, and Yeezy heels? Astonishing.

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Please, I’m begging you: DO NOT WEAR FAKE GALLIANO

Please, I’m begging you: DO NOT WEAR FAKE GALLIANO

Illustration for article titled What to Wear in a Pandemic When You Are Desperate for $185 Sushi
Image: Backgrid

John Galliano’s newspaper dress was made famous by the likes of Carrie Bradshaw. After his all-too-predictable demise over his racism, there’s simply no excuse for still wearing his clothes. There is also no excuse for wearing cheap, fast fashion knock-offs of his clothes. Perhaps Stassie Baby was fooled into thinking this was authentic Galliano, but I assure you: It’s not!

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Not the rancher boot!

Not the rancher boot!

Illustration for article titled What to Wear in a Pandemic When You Are Desperate for $185 Sushi
Image: Backgrid

Thanks for wearing a mask, though.

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Business pajamas

Business pajamas

Illustration for article titled What to Wear in a Pandemic When You Are Desperate for $185 Sushi
Image: Backgrid

Kourtney Kardashian’s friendship with TikToker Addison Rae is befuddling enough. What it simply did not need is... this outfit.

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Are you lost?

Are you lost?

Illustration for article titled What to Wear in a Pandemic When You Are Desperate for $185 Sushi
Image: Backgrid

You gotta hand it to Kourtney. She’s survived so much as the most sensible Kardashian, including this outfit!

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A wild Bieber appears!

A wild Bieber appears!

Illustration for article titled What to Wear in a Pandemic When You Are Desperate for $185 Sushi
Image: Backgrid
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Too much pleather

Too much pleather

Illustration for article titled What to Wear in a Pandemic When You Are Desperate for $185 Sushi
Image: Backgrid

Still too much pleather.

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Poor Kris :(

Poor Kris :(

Illustration for article titled What to Wear in a Pandemic When You Are Desperate for $185 Sushi
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It’s been a rough summer for Kris. Between crisis managing her daughter’s life and this sad suit—can she get a break?

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I mean I guess, why not!

I mean I guess, why not!

Illustration for article titled What to Wear in a Pandemic When You Are Desperate for $185 Sushi
Image: Backgrid

On the grander scale of things, this is whatever. But is “whatever” really an excuse to be eating out at Nobu right now, all so the paps can snap a shot? I think not!

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