What the Jezebel Staff Will Be Drinking On Election Day

Image via Getty.
Image via Getty.

Alcohol isn’t the solution to the world’s problems, but it can certainly help dull the pain of what will inevitably be a very, very long Tuesday that will hopefully (dear God, please) end in a nationwide sigh of relief that we are at least one step ahead of the apocalypse.


Are you stressed out? I am. And have taken to stress eating, which isn’t my usual coping mechanism. Thus far, my stress-eating list includes a breakfast burrito, four egg rolls, a plate of jalapeño poppers, a lot of guacamole, some expensive ice cream and I’m gearing up to make a pan of brownies tonight. Oh yes, and alcohol.

Of course, I’m not advocating for anything unhealthy or illegal, but I think Tuesday will be a much smoother sail if we all dull the anxiety around Donald Trump potentially becoming our next president. Also, because fuck it. I am going to drown my nervousness in a nice glass or seven of wine before I maybe have to drown myself in a body of actual water.

Here’s what the Jezebel staff will be drinking as we wait for the results of the most important, absurd and sanity-draining presidential election of our lives.

Clover: Whatever we have in the office.

Gabrielle: Hemlock

Macallen 72

Ramona Pinot Grigio

Stassa: Arsenic

Kelly Stout: I will be drinking IPAs until I’m so bloated I can no longer type.

Julianne: I‘m gonna splurge on the expensive tequila beforehand in case the stock market plunges after a Trump win.

Kelly Faircloth: Coffee to keep me awake to make sure you all get home as the designated walker.

Ellie: I will have a white wine spritzer for hydration and because that is my drink of choice.

Rich: I will have my drink of choice, weed.

Joanna: I am going to drink only white wine but I am going to drink it for 8 hours.

Maddie: Rubbing alcohol so I can go blind.

Emma: I feel like some nice sauv blanc to get through the day, some tequila to get through returns, some champagne when it’s over. Maybe an Albariño.

Kate: I’m not drinking anything all day and then at the end of the day it’ll be whiskey.

Brendan: I have a sore throat so tea, probably. I’ll probably switch to seltzer in the evening.

Bobby: I’ll have a large iced coffee in the morning because I can’t go a day without my java, and will guzzle cans of cider (Austin Eastciders, if I can find it) as the polls start closing. Depending on the results, I may need more java.

Anna: It’ll be coffee till 4 for me, wine until 9, and then either tequila (good) or whiskey (god take me now) depending on what happens.

Emma and I will be taking similar routes, starting with white wine before switching to tequila—ideally immediately after I cast my ballot. And you? Godspeed and drink up.

Senior Writer, Jezebel



It’s my birthday tomorrow, so I’m drinking all the drinks and my husband is taking me to get oysters when he gets out of work.