What the Hell, Here's Some Celebrity Bullshit

Image via Getty.
Image via Getty.

In a bit of news suggesting that one national nightmare cannot begin until another has ended, Brad Pitt has been cleared of all child abuse investigations stemming from an incident in September. It’s news that, writes TMZ, “gives him a huge advantage in his custody war with Angelina Jolie.”


The case was “extremely investigated,” whatever that means, and TMZ goes on to write:

Law enforcement sources tell us ... DCFS concluded Wednesday it would close the investigation involving an incident in Sept. between Brad and Maddox on a private jet. The Dept. reached the decision ... Brad did NOT commit child abuse during an argument that ended with physical contact.

A statement from Jolie’s rep reads:

“Angelina said from the beginning that she felt she had to take action for the health of the family and is relieved that after their 8-week involvement, the DCFS is now satisfied the safeguards are put in place that will allow the children to heal.”

Now that that’s taken care of, I’m sure they’ll be divorced in, oh, 18-36 months. Or at least by the time Donald Trump is out of office.


Speaking of the President-elect, likely Trump voter Tom Brady commented Wednesday about a recent decree made by his wife, Trump hater Gisele Bundchen, and it’s one that I’m sure innumerable couples have made in the last 36 hours.


Said Brady:

“Yeah, I talked to my wife. She said I can’t talk about politics anymore, so I think that’s a good decision made for our family.”


I’m imagining their gorgeous home, dimly lit and dead silent.


A bad punishment would be if you had to sit in one of those Clockwork Orange chairs and look at this headline for like 24 hours straight.

Illustration for article titled What the Hell, Here's Some Celebrity Bullshit

[Page Six]

Did you know Darren Aronofsky went around a college campus driving students to polling places while also letting them FaceTime with his girlfriend, Jennifer Lawrence?

Illustration for article titled What the Hell, Here's Some Celebrity Bullshit


  • We owe Amy Adams’s career to L’Oreal Paris Feria Multi-Faceted Shimmering Colour, Ruby Rush R68. [People]
  • Prince Harry and Meghan Markle aren’t together 24/7?! [Page Six]
  • Kylie Jenner is going to “F the diet” on Thanksgiving. Same! [Page Six]
  • Ugh this is actually pretty funny. [People]

Staff Writer, Jezebel | Man



It must be nice to be so rich that it literally doesn’t matter what political policies are in place.