What the Actual Hell Is Up with Elle's New Coverline

Elle‘s first issue of the year 2015 came into our IRL inbox via Pony Express recently and there are some confusing things going on. Not Nicole Kidman, who is gorgeous if facially immutable, and a perfectly timed cover choice, as she is set to star in Jason Bateman’s The Family Fang, as well as Paddington.

Oh yes, all was going as planned with the cover lines announcing the contents of this next-year-anointing issue: “350+ Bold Ideas!” for fashion? Check. Nod to internet culture via a declaration that it will be the “BEST. YEAR. EVER.”? Check. Life-changing sex, the new hot fucking Spring silhouette, and 43 powerful women? Check, check, check. Yes, yes, all going swimmingly, nothing to see here, except WHAT.

In case it is not obvious:

LADIES! LADIES! CALM DOWN! Like, for real, what in the actual hell is going on. Like she’s having sex (word), playing a bad girl (fun! awesome!)—things that are ostensibly fundamental to like Nicole Kidman as a person in love and career—and then just like BLAMMO! In case you didn’t notice, she’s ROCKING those Dior shorts. AWWWWWRRRIIIGGGHHHHHHT!! That’s a two exclamation-pointable offense, bay bay!!

I, as they say in the biz, OENO. I just don’t know. But if this is some sort of integrated marketing type thing between Elle, Dior, and the private entity that no doubt insures Nicole Kidman’s legs, it might be good for you and your pocketbook to know straightaway that said Dior shorts are silk and they cost $1550. Skimmed the story, seems cool, no other mention of gams or things that she is “Rocking!!”