Image: Getty

Over the weekend, Brittany Blake and her boyfriend Regory Turco, went to Epcot at Walt Disney World in Orlando, Florida. At some point during their relatively innocuous date, the pair lost track of one another. Turco’s phone battery died, so Blake did what any rational adult person who just lost their grown man-partner would do: she posted in the Disney Annual Passholders Facebook group. She wrote, “Weird post but lost my boyfriend in Epcot today and haven’t been able to find him for hours because his phone is dead. If anyone sees him can they tell him to meet us at the Mexican pavilion? P.S. I’m the one who’s nervous here because I hate being alone lmao. He’s probably off drinking.”

You can see where this is going. Commenters had a field day, but no one actually helped her find the guy, People reports, because Blake located him three hours later. He was drunk, waiting in line for the Frozen ride. “He was drinking all day while looking for me,” Blake assured the Facebook group, “BTW: thanks for everyone’s nice comments!!”

Anyone who has gotten drunk at Disney World knows how untrue this is—you can spend hours in line waiting for a margarita in the Mexico pavilion—but maybe he was looking for her at the bottom of a plastic cup?

So what really happened? As an adult who was once a child that frequented Walt Disney World, I have a few theories:

  • Turco just wanted to get the hell away from Blake to pound a few brewskis (everyone knows Epcot is by far the drunkest of all the Disney parks, and considering his disappearance perfectly overlaps with the 2019 Flower & Garden Festival, it was as good as time as any to get plastered while looking at floral arrangements before the entire state of Florida becomes oppressively humid) and ride the Frozen ride in peace. That single riders line moves fast.
  • Her boyfriend is a big drunk dummy and she should’ve left him in the park! It was her out!
  • In her search and rescue mission, Blake discovered her boyfriend became trapped in the Walt Disney World’s Hall of Presidents in the America pavilion, permanently stuck inside the animatronic Donald Trump. Upon her arrival, she, too, transformed into a display character. Now horrifying robot-human creates, they will remain inside the show forevermore... or until another couple loses one another on Disney grounds, Are You Afraid of the Dark?-style.

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Blake, break up with you boyfriend. He’s boring.