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What Is a Cake Boss Without His Cake Hand?

Illustration for article titled What Is a Cake Boss Without His Cake Hand?
Image: Taylor Hill (Getty Images)

Celebrity bakers, they’re just like us! Page Six reports that relatable cake lover Buddy Valastro, also known as the Cake Boss, impaled his right hand while trying to repair the pinsetting machine in the bowling alley located inside his New Jersey home. Valastro, who has reportedly fixed the machine before, decided to shove his dominant, money-making hand into the machinery—which became stuck and led to “a 1-1/2″ metal rod slowly and repeatedly impal[ing] his hand three times between his ring finger and middle finger.” Valastro’s sons, who somehow managed to not vomit onto the alley, rescued their father’s hand by cutting into the pinsetter with a saw.

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If you have an actual life and aren’t deeply invested in the goings-on of C-list celebrities, you may be unaware of the significance of Buddy Valastro and his hands. In 2009, Valastro and his family were launched into social relevance when their show Cake Boss, which followed the goings-on at Valastro’s bakery, premiered on TLC. In the vein of predecessors like Ace of Cakes and Cupcake Wars, the show was less about practical baking and more about “how fast can we make a cake that looks like a car”-style baking.

The show became more interesting the bigger Valastro’s head became, as he truly began morphing into a cake-making mafioso. In 2014, Valastro got pulled over for driving while intoxicated and told officers, “You can’t arrest me, I’m the Cake Boss.” And boss the cakes, he did in several spin-off shows including Buddy vs Duff, where he asserts his cake dominance over another baker; Next Great Baker, in which he asserts his dominance over aspiring bakers; and Kitchen Boss, because real bosses boss multiple things. Valastro has essentially created a fondant empire by playing up a caricature of his Italian roots and yelling about buttercream.

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Valastro, who had two surgeries to repair his hand, is at home recovering, is perhaps asking himself the same questions I find myself asking. How crucial was the bowling session in question that the repair had to be done right away instead of enlisting a professional? Was Valastro losing, and if so, by how many pins? Pride does goeth before the fall, after all. Could he not use his left hand—you know, the one that isn’t dominant, and therefore worth less? Are his hands insured? They should absolutely be insured if they aren’t already.

Who will be the boss of the cakes if Valastro is in recovery? Cakes just can’t roam about willy-nilly unbossed!

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DISCUSSION

Why the fuck would you try to work on machinery while the electricity is still on?