Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth
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Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth

What Garbage Will We Imbibe Tonight?

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It’s election day, which means garbage time for the Jezebel staff’s insides. The next 24 hours will most likely be lawless, and in the spirit of that total abandonment of reason, we will be eating and drinking and smoking whatever we please.

Unfortunately, I am officially eight months sober today. It’s a funny day to suddenly be eight months sober, because it is also a day on which I would normally drink excessively. Perhaps a pack of Modelo, which was my favorite, or a margarita, which I miss more than I am probably allowed to say. With alcohol off the table, I will instead lean heavily on the most consistent relationship in my life for over a decade now: weed! I have a pack of edibles I made from scratch—dark chocolate and raspberry brownies with a sprinkle of powdered sugar—and a joint as big as my arm, which will hopefully last me until the early evening.

I’m also told that my husband will be making some handmade pizza dough. He’s thinking we will go with a prosciutto and arugula flatbread ensemble with white sauce and grilled chicken. There is also some aged pepperoni I would like to put into play, with maybe a dash of chorizo and spicy sausage. The night is full of possibilities!


But that’s enough about me. Here’s what the rest of the Jezebel Staff will be eating and munching and smoking and drinking today:

Megan Reynolds:

I’ll be ordering a cheesesteak, fries, and a Coke from some place that costs too much money. In addition to this, I will have many a seltzer, a large amount of edibles, the remains of an apple cake that I made that tastes weird, and whatever other snacks I find at the store when I go get the seltzer.

My day snacks include: Halloween candy from the bucket downstairs, cherry tomatoes dipped in a half-hearted “ranch” dip, some leftover Hainanese chicken rice, maybe some Grape-Nuts, and the madeleines I purchased at Starbucks as a voting treat.


Kelly Faircloth:

Personally I will be going out to get a takeout burger which I plan to sit in my car and eat in silence. Plus some combination of french toast sticks and Halloween candy. Maybe a chicken tender at some point?

Shannon Melero-Ureña

I bought one of them sunbasket things because I didn’t want to have to actually think about food and tonight there’s a chicken salad thing on the menu. I also have half a frozen cheesecake defrosting and a pre-roll gifted to me for when I get desperate.


Maria Sherman:

I am planning on eating everything that is going bad in my fridge before it goes bad, an apt metaphor for our dying democracy. Then I am going to Burger King. I was going to drink, but electoral politics are not worth the hangover. I already feel terrible enough?

Hazel Cills:

I’m going to be eating a big ass pizza and (1) glass of wine, because last election I think I drank an entire bottle and I’m not reliving that hangover again. Solidarity with my ONE glass of wine only community.


Brandy Jensen:

I am planning on making a big batch of this very simple ricotta and lemon pasta because I have already made several stupid mistakes in the past few days (forgot to put the ground coffee in the french press, attempted to use my bike lock key to open my front door) and that recipe is difficult to mess up. Plus I can just graze on it all night, which in practice will probably look like taking bites out of the pot on the stove every time I refill my drink. I am most assuredly not a member of the ONE glass of wine only community.

Julianne Escobedo Shepherd

I am too stressed to eat today but later this evening I will probably order a “Burger Stand Classic” from Dumont Burger, it is $9.25 and the best burger in my neighborhood. (I will, of course, tip $8 or more because it is a pandemic and I am not an asshole, thank you to delivery workers.) I am also too stressed to drink but if I can’t sleep by like 2 a.m., I will consume a mug of red wine and hope it puts me to sleep. However, I have doubled my escitalopram intake today in hopes of tamping down my bawling jags every 30 minutes! I will also be Juuling excessively.


Rich Juzwiak:

I’m keeping with my usual eating routine today, though for dinner I will be eating my leftover Mapo Dofu and hot and sour soup from King’s County Imperial. I assure you, this is extremely exciting.

Molly Osberg:

“I have trouble eating in times of duress. I impulse-bought a six pack of Modelos at the bodega around 9:30 this morning in case I don’t have time to go out later. I drank two two-liters of seltzer before noon. Sometime around 4 this afternoon I imagine I will get ravenously hungry and stand in my kitchen eating slices of cheese.”


Emily Alford:

“I’m gonna get a weird corn pasta from Jon + Vinny’s that I’ve always wanted to try but haven’t because it’s pretty expensive to order... out of curiosity. Nothing matters!

Oh, yes, and a handful of cannabis gummies, whatever’s closest. maybe a melatonin gummy in the mix as well.


Alexis Fitts

Ok, since I’m a professional stress eater my plan is to order one of the following things: a large cheese pizza with a Caesar salad and maybe some kind of breadstick situation, a pile of Thai food, an eggplant parm hoagie with fries. In case all of these things fail, because the restaurants are full-up of other people’s panic orders, I have a tray of mac and cheese in the refrigerator and, for some unknown reason, 10 cheese and onion pasties that I made over the weekend to keep my hands busy. I also have a box of frozen mozzarella sticks to dig out in the middle of the night in either celebration or doom, depending on how things go. I’ll be drinking seltzer.”

Tracy Clark-Flory

“Throughout the day I’ll be subsisting on what I haven’t yet eaten from my 3-year-old’s Trick or Treat bag. It’s a sad selection of candy rejects: LaffyTaffy, Dum-Dums, SweeTARTS, and Gobstoppers. There is a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked in the fridge and it will be gone by the end of the night.”


Esther Wang:

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