What Does Rachel Bilson Miss About Ex Bill Hader? Why, His Big Dick, of Course

After hearing what Rachel Bilson had to say on a recent podcast, you’ll never look at Bill Hader the same way again. Or maybe you will, if you’ve been looking at Hader thinking, “I know that guy is hung.”

Bilson has a podcast called Broad Ideas (get it?), and on the episode that went live Monday, the show’s guest Tommy Dorfman asked Bilson what she missed about Hader, whom she reportedly dated for less than a year (roughly spanning the fall of 2019 to the summer of 2020).

“His big dick,” said Bilson. Cue the laughter. Cue choosing to interpret said laughter not as ha-ha-ha what a great joke, but ha-ha-ha it’s funny ‘cause it’s true.

“We can keep that,” Bilson confirmed. “And cut, let’s move on,” she continued. Aw, why cut at big dick? Let the big-dick discourse grow and flourish!

Distilling a relationship down to a body part makes some kind of sense, when that relationship lasted about a half of a year and may not have even developed beyond the so-called honeymoon period. That’s a lot of dick in not a lot of time. That a tossed-off comment without elaboration could travel far and wide (headlines at Page Six, E! News, too fab, the above-linked Us Weekly, and obviously here) may be a sign of late-summer news drought as much as it is one of thirst for big dick. It may seem superficial, but Ariana Grande changed the world when she divulged such information about her ex Pete Davidson, as it gave rise to the “big dick energy” discourse and led to Davidson’s relationship with Kim Kardashian (and what would our 2022 have looked like without that?).

I kind of assume that most celebrities’ dicks are big, just because something must be supplying extra oomph to allow people to think they’re special enough to work in that privileged sphere. But this is just a working theory that will require further research.

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Here’s a funny quote from a recent WSJ profile of Zoë Kravitz that I’d first like to present out of context:

“It’s a scary time to have an opinion or to say the wrong thing or to make controversial art or statements or thoughts or anything.”

Ah that existential dread. It is indeed a scary time to do…anything. Kravitz was referring to comments she received after comments she made about Will Smith’s Oscars slap. Relatedly, Kravitz is still starring in movies and being profiled by major media outlets. She may be scared, but she also seems fine?

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It’s August, which means that in like 20 minutes, stores are going to bust out the LED Santas and commence their constant loops of Christmas music. With that in mind, how about an amuse bouche? According to Variety, Mariah Carey has moved to trademark the “Queen of Christmas” title, which is hilarious for two reasons:

1. She has denied deserving this title for years. In 2017: “I just don’t think I deserve it. I’m just a person who likes Christmas, OK? Who happened to write some songs.” In 2021: “I’m someone that loves Christmas, that happened to be blessed to write ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You.’ And a lot of other Christmas songs. And let’s face it, you know, everybody’s faith is what it is. But to me, Mary is the Queen of Christmas.” This despite Carey being referred to as such in a press release in 2013 that she/her people presumably approved. I guess she’s finally come around on her queendom. Imagine!
2. Other would-be Queens of Christmas are pissed! Darlene Love, of “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)” fame wrote on Facebook: “Is it true that Mariah Carey trademarked ‘Queen of Christmas’ What does that mean, that I can’t use that title? David Letterman officially declared me the Queen of Christmas 29 years ago, a year before she released ‘All I Want for Christmas Is You,’ and at 81 years of age I’m NOT changing anything. I’ve been in the business for 52 years, have earned it and can still hit those notes! If Mariah has a problem call David or my lawyer!!” The lawyer for another singer named Elizabeth Chan filed a formal declaration of opposition to the trademark claim, according to Variety. Chan told the trade: “I feel very strongly that no one person should hold onto anything around Christmas or monopolize it in the way that Mariah seeks to in perpetuity. That’s just not the right thing to do. Christmas is for everyone. It’s meant to be shared; it’s not meant to be owned.”

All this squabbling is decidedly not festive. At least there’s still time to smooth this out and save Christmas.

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• Timbaland and Swizz Beatz are suing the company that bought their Verzuz series for nonpayment. They claim they are owed $28 million. Who knew sitting around and playing your own music could be so lucrative? (Musicians, of course.) [The Hollywood Reporter]
• Johanna Altman, wife of Million Dollar Listing: Los Angeles’ Matt Altman, was arrested for and charged with domestic violence earlier this month. [People]
• Alec Baldwin remains insistent that he did not pull the trigger. [ET Online]
• The View ranked as the No. 1 most-watched daytime talk show for the 2021-22 season. It was its second year in a row in that spot. Looks like there’s life after Meghan McCain after all! [Variety]
• Page Six coming through with the hot exclusive: “Rev. Al Sharpton only eats one meal a day — and it’s kale” [Page Six]
• Kanye West’s Gap collection is being sold out of what look like “trash bags” that require customers to “dumpster dive.” Hm, seems about right to me. [Insider]