Genesis 1, of the newly translated Ben Affleck Bible, reads: In the beginning God created Ben Affleck and Dunkin Donuts. The Dunkin Donuts was without form, and void; and darkness was on the face of the deep. And the Spirit of Ben Affleck was hovering over the face of the chain restaurant. Then Ben Affleck said, “Let there be Dunkin Donuts,” and there was Dunkin Donuts. And Ben Affleck saw the Dunkin Donuts, and it was good, and Ben Affleck divided it from the darkness.
Since time immemorial, there have been two competing universal forces: Ben Affleck and Dunkin Donuts. Together, they have lived in relative harmony. From the well of Dunkin, Affleck drinks deep, its revitalizing life energy fueling his many paparazzi jaunts with new girlfriend Ana de Armas and therapy sessions with ex-wife Jennifer Garner. Dunkin, in return, finds itself a staple of the American paparazzi, due to Affleck’s proclivities for its sweet, coffee-flavored nectar of the gods. But the balance of the universe is now thrown into chaos, as Dunkin Donuts announced Monday that it will permanently close 450 stores by the end of the year. Curious how Our Patron Saint of Dunkin Donuts will cope, I emailed his incredibly helpful publicist for comment.
Hello! My name is Joan and I’m a reporter with Jezebel. I’m emailing to ask if Ben Affleck has any comment on Dunkin Donuts permanently closing 450 stores by the end of 2020. As the patron saint of Dunkin, his voice deserves to be heard!
Thanks so much,
It didn’t take long for his incredibly helpful publicist to read my email and respond.
Haaaa - hi joan. I doubt it but I will ask.
It was a mysterious answer, one made more perplexing by the extended “Haaaa.” What could it possibly mean? The second sentence was truly enthralling: “I doubt it but I will ask.”
Jezebel had not yet heard by press time how Affleck feels about Dunkin Donuts closing 450 stores. We will update this blog if his very helpful publicist gets back to us.
This has been Hey Ben.