As a society, the word “fat” is one of the last few acceptable slurs we can use in public. Rarely do we flinch or say anything when we hear somebody comment, with intentional negativity, on another person as “fat.” And we don’t think twice about making a comment about our own bodies in front of others. I often hear people making statements with an angry inflection like, “My ass is fat,” or “I feel fat.”
My friend Lisa (all names and identifying details have been changed) is the mother of two teen-aged daughters, both of whom have been grappling with body image issues for some time. She has been an incredibly supportive mother, doing her best to love her children and to help them see their bodies in a healthier way. But the other day, as she was making dinner in the kitchen, she told me, in front of her kids, how her “ass is fat” and how she can no longer fit into her jeans.
Later on, I asked her why she would speak negatively about herself in front of anyone, especially her kids, who she knows are grappling with major body image issues and as a result, have developed unhealthy and extreme eating and exercise habits. She looked at my confused face and said “I wasn’t saying their asses are fat, I was saying my ass is fat.”
Lisa didn’t notice how comments about her own body, in front of daughters who are currently dealing with this issue, could exacerbate their struggles with body image.
But our tendency to throw the word “fat” around is not just about the potential of affecting people we know who have been dealing with a body image issue. As I pointed out in my column last week, “Think Twice Before Praising Someone For Losing Weight,” we will never (and I mean never) truly know how someone is dealing with body image on a mental, emotional level. It doesn’t matter if someone has the “perfect” body, whether they’re skinny or plus-sized, most of the authentic feelings we have about our bodies are trapped inside our head and not shared with others.
So even if we are talking about someone being “fat” in front of someone who has a “perfect” body, we won’t fully understand how our “fat” comments can secretly impact their body image. When someone who is plus-sized hears you say the word “fat,” what else are they expected to think except that you are including them in the insult? When it comes to someone who is not plus-sized, but grappling with poor body image or an eating disorder, when you, someone this person probably respects and trust, hurls the word “fat” in front of them-this move could very well make them feel terrible about themselves…even if it’s not about or directed at them.
When I asked my friend Melanie about this issue related to the word “fat,” she brought up something I have repeatedly heard: people who are skinny or “fit” using the “fat” word as a slur in front of friends, family members, colleagues who are not as skinny or “fit.” Melanie, who is plus-sized, deals with this scenario all the time.
One of her girlfriends will often use the word as an insult weapon against men and women: “He’s so fat, gross” or “Wow, did you see how fat she’s getting” or “Ugh, I didn’t work out this week, I feel fat.”
Melanie wondered, “Does she not see that I’m sitting there? That I am clearly a plus-sized woman, usually bigger than the people she’s talking about. Doesn’t she think it hurts my feelings? How could I not think that she feels the same way about me? Hello?!”