Clap if you’ve seen that video of Wendy Williams allegedly letting one rip during the Hot Topics segment of her show. Williams named the scandal ‘FartGate’ and addressed it with her trademark calm and reasoned response.
“I want to talk to you about something very, very serious. I’ve been going through this for a moment and I would like to have a private conversation with you, okay?”
Williams went on to vehemently deny the accusation that she passed gas during the segment, declaring that actually she rarely farts period, let alone on her show.
“I have never farted once on this show,” Williams said. “As a matter of fact, I barely fart, you know why? Because gas gets released several different ways and mine is belching, because all I do is talk.”
As a fellow person who does nothing but talk, I would like to call bullshit on this. Sure, I burp—belch, if you will—pretty often, but that doesn’t mean I barely fart. I haven’t studied anatomy so I won’t pretend that I’m deeply familiar with the ins and outs of the human gastrointestinal system, but I don’t think that’s how quite how bodies work? Sure, they’re both bodily functions caused by gas, but I’ve always believed that gas comes out of different holes at different times for some reason more biologically motivated than “my mouth is open a lot.”
Wendy went on to assure her audience that if she had farted, she would have laughed, which honestly seems pretty accurate.
“I would have definitely been laughing, because farts are always funny,” Williams said. “You know a girl like me would have been laughing at that!”
So what was the actual cause of this mysterious and incriminating sound? Wendy assumed that someone had altered the clip and added the sound, but a stagehand with the very real not at all fake-sounding name “John Anderson” cleared up the fake flatulence-induced confusion:
“We were filling up a fish tank backstage and we didn’t have the proper hose,” Anderson said. “The air was just coming out and it was sputtering like someone was farting. Okay? So that’s what it was. It wasn’t Wendy!”
.... Whatever you say, “John Anderson.” [People]
Apparently Colton Haynes was just made aware of the existence of Amazon. Yes, you know, that Amazon—the massive, dystopic tech company owned by the richest man in the world, known for its convenient two day shipping and horrible working conditions.
Apparently Haynes just ‘discovered’ what Amazon was—which feels like a completely incorrect usage of that word—and “successfully ordered pillow cases.” He went on to end his tweet, “Let me tell ya… I’ve never been more excited about something in a long time 😂.”
This raises a lot of potential questions. Isn’t Haynes rich? Why is he seemingly so excited about ordering pillow cases online, when lots of retailers that aren’t Amazon also sell pillowcases? Has he signed up for Amazon Prime? And, more pressingly, is Haynes still in the dark about any other massive tech companies? Has he heard of Google dot com?
But all I personally want to know is where I can find that rock that Colton Haynes has clearly been living under for the past several years, and how much it costs to rent a room down there. [People]
DISCUSSION
Momentarily thought I was mistakenly remembering their marriage only becoming public a couple of months ago. That all happened very fast.