Welcome to the Alternate Universe In Which Harry and Meghan Saved Quibi

Illustration for article titled Welcome to the Alternate Universe In Which Harry and Meghan Saved Quibi
Image: Chris Jackson (Getty Images)

I’m going to take us on a journey into the past. September 1, 2020, to be precise—before the news dropped that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle signed a landmark Netflix deal and transformed overnight into Hollywood power-players. There’s a twist though! I’m not just going back in time—it’s also an alternate history. Specifically, the one in which Meghan and Harry signed a “lucrative” deal with failed streaming service Quibi, which could have happened, according to Page Six.

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Sources tell the outlet that Quibi’s rampaging god-kings, Meg Whitman and Disney ex-pat Jeffrey Katzenberg, visited the Sussexes in a bid to revitalize the failed app. The source says, “Meg and Jeff actually went to see Harry and Meghan to get them to sign … but it’s no surprise they went for Netflix.” Of course they went with Netflix! How many viewers does Quibi have again?

Anyway, back to our alternate history. Imagine there are time machine noises happening right now.

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EXCLUSIVE: PRINCE HARRY AND MEGHAN MARKLE SIGN MULTI-YEAR DEAL WITH QUIBI, SAVING THE APP FROM CERTAIN DOOM

Quibi was just pulled from stormy waters into a yacht-sized lifeboat shaped like Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, saving the platform from drowning in a sea of debt and failed IPs. Sources exclusively tell Jezebel that the California-bound Sussexes have signed a landmark deal with Jeffrey Katzenberg and Meg Whitman’s app, Quibi, guaranteeing the couple will produce, write, direct, and star in a variety of shows over the next five years.

A source with intimate knowledge of the deal, says: “Jeff and Meg are convinced Prince Harry and Meghan Markle will save them from bankruptcy. They were desperate. Jeff even got on hands and knees and literally kissed Harry’s loafers in their first meeting.” Another source, however, says that Quibi might be too far gone. “This deal changes nothing. What are they going to produce, anyway? 4-minute nature documentaries? Maybe Meghan is going to rebrand The Tig for Quibi.”

Royal expert Hottytotty Fancypants also tells Jezebel that, “the deal will definitely anger the queen.” The couple is still reportedly on the outs with the palace, after they fled for sunnier prospects in January. “Kate is absolutely fuming right now. These two are in California filming videos for an app, and she alone is bearing the brunt of the entire royals. This will shake things up, for sure.”

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Reps for the couple didn’t comment, but a spokesperson for Quibi told Jezebel:

“We couldn’t be more thrilled to bring Prince Harry and Meghan Markle into the Quibi family. As a cutting edge platform for daring, innovative content, this deal couldn’t be a more perfect fit. Meghan’s first show, Dishing With the Duchess, will premiere later this fall.”

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The rep, however, did not confirm whether or not Jeffrey Katzenberg really kissed Prince Harry’s shoes.

The time machine noises cease, slowly fading into the space-time ether.

Or at least, that’s how it might have gone. Listen closely, and you might hear Jeffrey Katzenburg weeping in the distance.

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DISCUSSION

cisum88note
cisum88note

I’m a bit skeptical about all these Hollywood deals. It’s pretty apparent that Meghan never wanted to leave showbiz, and marrying a prince made her an instant star in a way that basic cable celebrity never would.

The UK press was unrelenting, but moving to Hollywood doesn’t exactly display an intense need to stay private.

I hope Harry continues in his fundraising and charity projects because he brought a sincerity and passion to things like the Invictus Games and the Diana, Princess of Wales Memorial FUnd.