Did you hear? Some British royals have made a choice and some other British royals are incredibly angry about it. As reported yesterday—called it!—Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, announced via Instagram that they would be “stepping back” as senior members of the royal family, whatever that means, and would instead focus on “carving out a progressive new role within this institution.” That role, it would seem, involves moving to North America and living more honest lives as paid members of the ruling class, attending charity events and enjoying all the pleasures that wealth can bring you. No wonder Prince William and Queen Elizabeth seem to be such haters about it!
Page Six reports, and I quote: “Prince Charles and Prince William were “incandescent with rage” and the Queen ‘deeply upset’” following yesterday’s iOS press release from the Sussex’s. Not only will the queen not let anyone wear a dress that also doesn’t cover their ankles in some way, it would also seem that unleashing chaos on the family’s imagined order is strictly prohibited. Sources within the palace describe the Sussex’s exit as a “declaration of war,” although that seems like a good thing, considering a bunch of rich people cannibalizing their own family works out best for everyone involved. Other haters claim: ““This is a declaration of war on the family. Their statement was not cleared with anyone. It breaks all protocol.” Seems fine to me!
Interestingly, Page Six also reports that everyone’s least favorite father, Thomas Markle, is very sad that Meghan is carving her own way through the Royal Family’s many, many, many, many traditions. In a statement obtained by Us Weekly, he says: “ I’ll just simply say I’m disappointed.” I wonder why! It probably has nothing to do with the minor notoriety he has achieved with selling his daughter’s every secret to a press institution hell-bent on destroying her life—that would be too extreme.
And let me just add: Prince Harry’s entire life has been spent hounded by the press, who largely participated in the death of his mother for doing the same, and all the while he lived mostly for free on his family’s excessive wealth and the money of taxpayers. For hundreds of years, the monarchy has also held a tight grip of power over those taxpayers—even if that power is largely ceremonial. Now he is married, and the woman he loves is under attack from the press, except unlike Harry or his mother, she is also subject to the racism of the British public and elite, who are furious at her mere existence anywhere near the House of Windsor. I won’t go far as to say I have sympathy for these ex-monarchs, but I am human enough to acknowledge a set of choices made that directly contradict the esoteric ceremonies and vast wealth that have kept the Windors lodged within the fabric of British society for a century. His family may be furious, and they may lose their standing in British society, but at least when the revolution comes they won’t be stuck in some burning castle. Canada seems a much nicer place to live out your incredibly wealthy life, anyway! [Page Six]
Aunt Becky genuinely believes she is not going to prison! TMZ reports that she and husband Mossimo, of the Target Mossimos, think they’ve found their trump card in a video of USC Athletic Director Pat Haden who was filmed in 2011 explaining the university’s fundraising mission. The outlet also claims that money sent between Mossimo and Donna Heinel, the Senior Associate Athletic Director they are accused of colluding with, was addressed to USC, not Heinel. Also, that $250,000 that changed hands might also not be inadmissible as a bribe:
The U.S. Attorney says the smoking gun is that Heinel received $20,000 a month from Rick Singer, which prosecutors say is proof of a bribe. The thing about this … both of Lori’s daughters were accepted BEFORE Heinel received a penny, and our sources say that money was sent to her only by Singer and for various things Heinel did for several families. But, Lori and Mossimo’s position is that whatever Singer did in terms of paying money, he did on his own.
It’s a pretty clever loophole, even if its still evil, that these two losers have found in the legal system! Their defense seems to be: “Well, we gave him the money, sure! But we didn’t tell him how to spend it. *wink wink, nudge nudge.*” If anything, at least the shame they’d both receive for never confessing to so clearly manipulating the college admissions process to their benefit will ensure she only takes commercial gigs that involve her saying: “Go to the general and save some time!” [TMZ]
Everyone, please wave goodbye to Danielle Staub!
- Justin Bieber maintains that he was not, and never will be, “on meth.” It’s just Lyme disease! [People]
- It’s been said, but wholeheartedly: Fuck Jillian Michaels and her history of pseudo-science and her history of promoting dangerous weight loss supplements. [Us Weekly]
- Selena Gomez is fine. [ET]
- Kate Upton shares important message. [Just Jared]
- Here’s what the celebrities are saying about Megxit. [Us Weekly]
- R.Kelly’s “girlfriend” Joycelyn Savage has been arrested for assault. [Bossip]
- Zooey Deschanel and Jonathan Scott allegedly make each other laugh. [People]