Welcome to the Fyre Festival, But for Cheese

I was gonna call this blog just “Parmageddon” but Metro UK beat me to the punchline with the even better “Cheddarmageddon.” How does that happen??


Ok ok, let me pull myself together and try again.

I raclette to inform you that due to crowd sizes that were unexpectedly hallouminous and poor planning, Brighton’s sold-out “Cheese Fest” failed to serve any cheese to many, if not most, ticket-holders. Festival attendees had been promised mozzarella sticks, cheese wheels, and the “most amazing mac and cheese in the world” at “the UK’s biggest touring cheese festival,” but when they got there, they were offered little more than long waits, cheese-less food stands, and stomach-churning disappointment.


Many of those in attendance, who pre-paid an entire £6 or less for their tickets, were understandably blue.

The excuses that poured in from the festival’s organizers were reminiscent of those limp justifications offered by Fyre Festival promoter Billy McFarland. Apples and oranges, really. Fyre Festival attendees were at least given waxy strips of processed cheese, but, then again, they were stranded on an island.


Thanks for reading my cheese blog. I don’t feel sorry about writing it.

contributing writer, nights

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Mortal Dictata

Exclusive photo of their most disappointed fan.

But yeah this is standard shit we get all the time. Usually it’s those crappy Christmas fairs that are always shite.