We Weren't Ready for the Popeyes Chicken Sandwich

What would you do for Popeyes chicken sandwich, the most important chicken sandwich in our history as a nation? Would you destroy your own car? Would you stab someone? Both of these things have happened since the sandwich was re-introduced to the chicken-starved masses over the weekend. The conclusion is clear: The sandwich must be revoked. We can’t handle the sandwich. We don’t deserve the sandwich.

In Los Angeles, one motorist destroyed her Mercedes after she slammed it into some bollards while trying to cut the Popeyes line, which to me represents a rare instance of karmic justice in an otherwise totally unfair world. What in god’s name is going on here:

On the other side of our maniacal, poultry-obsessed nation, someone was fatally stabbed at a Popeyes in Maryland, presumably over the sandwich.

The sandwich is probably pretty good. But are we good? We are not. The sandwich deserves better than us. May our Popeyes Overlords accept that we are not ready for the responsibility of the sandwich, and spare us all before it’s too late.