Illustration for article titled We Tried to Look Up How to Buy Stocks But Its Just Too Much
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In between frantically Googling whether my subtle sore throat this morning is possibly a Coronavirus symptom (please don’t tell my coworkers, who don’t read my blogs anyway, I’m fine thank you) and reeling from Nancy Meyers’s Modern Love column, I realized that the stocks are low because of the damn virus.

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Right now The New York Times is reporting that the market is having its worst week since 2008 and everyone is freaking the fuck out. But if there’s one thing I know about the stock market (which is basically nothing, if you’re not counting my experience playing Neopets) you should buy stocks when they’re low. Is this my moment? Would buying stock (what kind of stock, who knows!) now make me mega-rich in the future?

See, the thing is, I Googled the whole “how to buy stocks” situation and frankly I’m just too lazy. Something, something investment account, I don’t know, I have things to do! Am I potentially missing the boat on an incredible opportunity, not unlike bitcoin which I lazily ignored until I heard Michelle Phan was an enthusiast and looked up “how much is bitcoin” last year and it was “$8,000” a coin? No thanks. The Jezebel staff was largely in agreement: ugh, stock, too much work.

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Please note: I’m not buying low stocks because I’m stupid (which I can be, sometimes); it’s because I’m lazy. So if you wade into the comments to explain to me how the market works, I will not listen.

Pop Culture Reporter, Jezebel

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