We Need Some New Oscar Categories So People Will Stay Awake Until Best Picture Is Announced

Tonight, Hollywood’s most glamorous celebrities will assemble for one of the longest-running live-television masturbating marathons of all time: the 85th Academy Awards. Perhaps the most incredible thing about the Academy Awards is how, in spite of the almost commonplace knowledge that the doling out of gold statuettes has almost nothing to do with merit and almost everything to do with how much abuse Harvey Weinstein has showered on the Academy voters, people keep showing up and tuning in. I think we’d all like to believe that we’d pull a George C. Scott and publicly call the Oscars “a goddamn meat parade” while simultaneously refusing a nomination, but, speaking for myself, if someone ever decided to give me an Oscar for something, I’d get up on stage, unfold a little piece of paper, and promptly urinate with joy in front of America while stuttering through my thank-yous.

Why? The Oscars don’t mean anything, really, and not just in a macrocosmic, we’re-all-just-ants-marching-on-the-orange-rind-that-is-Earth sort of way. It’s actually a meaningless award, conveyed to established stars by the crypt keepers who stand sentry-like over Hollywood’s mausoleum of faded glory. Sure, the Academy is trying to draw younger audiences with having James Franco do bong-rips onstage and letting Seth MacFarlane announce winners in a Peter Griffin voice, but that’s like building a sandcastle fortress to withstand the rising tide — you can’t forestall the inevitable, which in the case of the Academy Awards, is audience apathy.

In fact, nothing short of a full-blown category makeover can save the Oscars from melting into the vast beachscape of shifting tastes, which is why it is of the most dire importance that every ardent cinephile should push for the following categories to be incorporated into the show immediately:

Best Facial Hair

What better way to draw in a younger, hipper demographic than by hitching the Academy Award limousine to the hipster food truck? This award wouldn’t be presented to an actor — an actor is merely the canvas on which a facial hair masterpiece is painted. This year, the Facial Hair Oscar would be officially handed to Matthew MacFayden’s Anna Karenina mustache, which would rustle for an interminable two minutes before being ushered offstage.

Best Cry Face

Let’s just cut through all the bullshit, shall we? Kids these days don’t put up with fakery — they watched all of their pop culture icons be revealed by the Internet’s unblinking eye as hopeless degenerates. Instead of awarding an Oscar for a compelling dramatic performance, why not just give it to the man or woman who most effectively creases his or her forehead and wrinkles his or her nose? This award can be based on a single scene, and, if it were awarded this year (as it should be), would probably go to Keira Knightley’s positively baroque cry face in Anna Karenina

Most Tolerant Stunt Animal

Animals have to put up with a lot of nonsense in movies. I imagine they stand around when the cameras aren’t rolling and wonder, “What the fuck are all these humans even doing?” Since animals make up the other big pie slice of Internet not dominated by porn (and since youngsters congregate on the Internet to talk about rap music and reefer), it seems pretty important that the Academy start incorporating more animals into the live show, and not in a condescending way like it did with Uggie. Let the racehorse from Anna Karenina come up onstage and give his own speech. Those Life of Pi tigers didn’t have hard job. All they had to do was splash around in a wading pool while some assistant fed them delicious tuna steaks.

Most Annoying Child Actor

I’m sure Quvenzhané Wallis was wonderful in Beasts of the Southern Wild, a movie that I will never see because its main character is a little kid. Sorry, but after The Phantom Menace, child actors have been a big NO THANK YOU. Besides, we don’t need more Tatum O’Neals or Haley Joel Osments ruining their young adulthood because everyone was all, “How cute!!” when they were reciting lines in squeaky, prepubescent into peerless movie cameras. This year, the winner would probably be that mopey kid who plays little Karenin.

Best Fake Orgasm

The Serious Dramatic Movies that the Academy tends to honor often feature Serious Dramatic Orgasms. Younger generations pretty much expect sex to permeate their entire pop culture experience, so an orgasm Oscar should be implemented immediately. Lets go ahead and give this year’s to Keira Knightley’s jawline in Anna Karenina.

Best Cinematic Defiling of a Literary Masterpiece

Since books are now completely obsolete, it seems more important than ever to acknowledge the extraordinary lengths to which filmmaker will go to ruin what would have been, in the 20th century, a perfectly respectable book, but what is in the 21st century a heavy object one might heave at a noisy neighbor. This year, it’d go to whatever Ernest Hemingway book Bradley Cooper was jawing about in Silver Linings Playbook. Bet you thought I was going to say Anna Karenina, didn’t you? Ha! Fools! I saw Anna Karenina at a matinee with my aunt. We ate all the cough drops she keeps in her purse (because movie candy is for suckers) and quite enjoyed ourselves.