We Have CNN and Volvo to Thank for Today's Eclipse

Image via CNN.
Image via CNN.

One of the more amusing things about cable news—and contemporary media in general—is its insatiable appetite for branding major (and occasionally minor) news events as overly designed cross-platform content packages. These are most often seen during moments of extreme tragedy (terrorist attacks, war) or extreme anxiety (general elections), but can also occur during good—or at least innocuous—news. Like, say, a total eclipse of the sun.

By and large, news outlets have been keeping their branding of this nationwide spectacle simple, using phrases like “The Great American Eclipse” (ABC), “Today’s Total Eclipse” (NBC), or just “Solar Eclipse” (CBS). But some networks took a more extreme approach by using the celestial event as an opportunity not just for branding, but for sponcon.

CNN’s total eclipse subsite—with its interactive map, viewing tips, and plethora of related stories—offers very little to differentiate itself from the myriad other eclipse subsites on this hideous internet of ours, but has branded itself so dramatically and authoritatively that, if you had no idea what an eclipse was, their package would lead you to believe it was something created by both CNN and the automotive brand Volvo in a lab as a way of demonstrating their latest VR technology.


Just look at this:

Though I’m sure the partnership was a lucrative deal for CNN—they put in a minimal amount of backend work for an eclipse-themed subsite in exchange for a boatload of Volvo’s cash—it has the most jarringly hilarious optics of any network’s eclipse content. What on Earth does Volvo have to do with any of this? And what exactly does CNN think the two of them are “presenting”? Like it or not, we’re all passive participants here, and the eclipse will “present” itself whether or not the logos for CNN and Volvo are involved.


Having said that, we at Jezebel refuse to be outdone, and will be branding all of today’s eclipse coverage with this:

Illustration for article titled We Have CNN and Volvo to Thank for Todays Eclipse

NOTE: The above image is parody, and Subaru is in no way affiliated with Jezebel or its Eclipse content.

Staff Writer, Jezebel | Man

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Is anyone else excited for today’s solar eclipse - which will allow the Great Old Ones, led by the mighty and endless Azathoth, to break free from the crystal prisons beyond the stars and begin anew their 1,000 year reign on Earth, culminating in the cyclopean city of R’yleh, whose very non-Euclidean geometries can shatter the finite and fragile minds of men, to rise from its watery purgatory at the deepest part of the ocean and allow C’thulhu to awaken from his deathless slumber to destroy existence and remake it again in a hellscape of torment where demons and shoggoths subjugate all that is good and sentient on this mortal plane to their evil whims?

Or am I the only one excited for that?