We Can't Improve This Headline About a Dad Who Ate Pot Brownies and Was Rude to a Cat

Aspirational image via Shutterstock
Aspirational image via Shutterstock

When we aggregate, we seek to bring something new to a story. But there are times when an Omaha man finds a bunch of pot brownies, eats them, gets what a reasonable person would term “too high,” uses reprehensible language towards his cat, and crashes headlong into the stuff of local news headline-legend.

Please brace yourself for what the Omaha World-Herald just did, and what we are unable to build upon in any meaningful sense:

Illustration for article titled We Cant Improve This Headline About a Dad Who Ate Pot Brownies and Was Rude to a Cat

There’s hardly a need to go on here, but let’s do so anyway for the sake of emotional and narrative closure: the man found said pot brownies in the backseat of a car “that his adult children had used earlier in the day,” the paper reports. He did what dads do and he ate those brownies. He ate them all.

At some point, a little later, the man and his wife watched some television when he started acting in the manner of someone who’s unwittingly eaten a large number of enhanced brownies. Presumably terrified, she called 911:

Paramedics called to the scene who checked the man found his vital signs to be normal. But they noted he was displaying odd behavior — crawling around on the floor, randomly using profanities and calling the family cat “a bitch.”

The man told paramedics he felt like “he’s trippin’.” He declined their offer to be taken to the hospital.

The man got into bed. Omaha World-Herald staff writer Kevin Cole had a wonderful day, as did whoever crafted that flawless headline. Everyone is fine, save for the cat’s sense of self-worth.

Anna Merlan was a Senior Reporter at G/O Media until September 2019. She's the author of Republic of Lies: American Conspiracy Theorists and Their Surprising Rise to Power.

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My auntie made diabetic brownies which uses that artificial sugar you don’t want to eat too much of because it gives you diarrhea and gad something bad. She leaves them out and comes back later to see half the pan was gone. Turns out her husband ate half of the pan by himself. He’s driving down the road when the need to go to the bathroom became overwhelming and he stops at a gas station. He can’t go to that gas station again because of what he did to the bathroom. When he was telling her that later, he found out about the brownies.

Dont trust unattended brownies, people. They’re bad news.