Plenty has happened I last checked in with Jezebel’s favorite man, Ben Affleck: a gender reveal party ignited a wildfire, a 121 degree Los Angeles heatwave set a new record, some death cultists and terrible hair extensions commandeered the Republican National Convention, and then a bunch of other super bad, no-good things too plentiful to list here. Ben and I have a lot to catch up on!
Because Ben is very rich, he probably has all sorts of tips, tricks, and household gadgets to stay cool in the summertime. Like a pool! Or those expensive bathroom tiles that heat up, except instead they freeze, or something. As a journalist, it’s always important to ask the experts, especially someone like Ben, who consistently wore jeans this summer yet never looked sweaty.
Between the Los Angeles heat and the (probably very baseless) rumor circulating Ana De Armas is pregnant, and the gender reveal wildfire, I wondered if Ben would ever do an explosive-laden gender reveal if Ana De Armas ever decided to procreate with him and his back tattoo. I also was dying for his thoughts on the proliferation of gender reveal natural disasters in our modern age. Like, what’s up with that, dude?
And so once again, I emailed Ben’s very friendly and incredibly helpful publicist, looking for answers to some of my life’s biggest questions:
Hi! It’s been a bit since we last spoke—hope everything is going well! I’m emailing with yet another question for Ben, of course. I’m wondering if he saw the news about the gender reveal turned wildfire in Yucaipa, California. What does he think about that? I mean, with this sweltering weather California is experiencing—it was 90 degrees in my apartment this weekend!—how is Ben keeping cool at all?
Ben’s very friendly and incredibly helpful publicist once again did not respond. Usually, they have no problem passing my questions along to Jezebel’s favorite man. Now I’m worried about them! With the heatwave on the offensive, and the wildfires burning down every bit of habitable land left in California, is his publicist safe? Are they being cared for? All I ever seem to find are more questions.