Watching Twilight: Eclipse: A Minute-By-Minute Analysis

The latest installment of Twilight is here, and we’re in a theater, watching the drama unfold. Team Edward! Team Jacob! Team Bella! Team Popcorn!

12:44pm: Harry Potter trailer is on. I have no snacks and no booze and I am sweating from hustling over here.

12:45: Grr. Someone is in my “favorite” liveblogging seat all the way in the back.

12:46: The theater is mostly full! Don’t people have jobs?

I’m gonna go get a frozen cherry Coke.

12:50: Ok, when I was getting a Coke I saw three teenage girls in denim shorts and Twilight t-shirts. The shirts seemed to be Team Wolf Pack.

12:54: Out of the 125 or so people in the theater I’d say 99 are female and 97 are under 24.

12:55: Zac Efron trailer. No twitters from the crowd, even when he kisses a girl.

12:56: Wait! Giggles! I spoke too soon.

12:58: The word “eclipse” came on the screen and a girl behind me yelled, “Yes!”

12:59: Bella and Sparkle Vamp are kissing in a field of flowers.

1:00: “Marry me,” he says. She says no. He asks again and she says, “change me.”

1:01: She says if she marries him at her age people will think she’s knocked up. Crowd laughs.

1:02: Bella at home and talks to her dad who is all, ‘you need some separation from that kid.’

Dad is saying ‘spend time with other people, like Jacob.’

1:05: Bella is trying to go see Jacob but Edward is cock-blocking by suddenly manifesting in her truck.

1:06: Some kind of bullshit happened at school but I dunno, some of these scenes consist of people just staring at each other.

1:07: Something is going on in Seattle and it’s not good…

1:09: Bella and Edward are in Florida visiting her mom. Her mom is talking to her about college, and all I can think about is that commercial where the girl goes, ‘FACE IT, I’M NOT GETTING INTO COLLEGE!”

Anyway, Bella is maybe going to the University of Alaska.

1:12: But really, she’s going nowhere because she’s gonna marry Sparkle Vamp and get knocked up, right???

1:14: Cut to: Action sequence! The Cullen gang is tracking the red-haired vampire lady and she goes into “their territory”…werewolves!

Lots of jumping and running and CGI wolves.

1:15: God, the SparkleVamp’s contact lenses are sooooo bad.

1:16: Ok, so, Jacob is telling Edward that ‘your kind needs to stay off our land.’

1:17: And Bella is pissed that Edward didn’t tell her about the redhead looking for her.

1:18: She gets on the back of Jacob’s motorcycle and there are murmurs from the girls behind me.

1:19: Wolfpack boys! Shirtless and so very very young.

1:20: Jacob and Bella go into the barn and he explains imprinting to her: “It’s the feeling that nothing else matters” – only her.

A girl down the row from me goes, “THAT IS MY MAN!”

1:21: Jacob says, ‘better you be dead than one of them.’

1:22: Some strange vampire is in Bella’s house.

1:23: Edward appears and says, “Someone’s been here.” Duh!

1:24: Vampire conference! The Cullens are going to figure out what to do. How to protect Bella.

1:26: Then Jacob gets involved and he and Edward are bickering over Bella and she says, ‘from now on I’m Switzerland, okay?’ Edward leaves Bella in Jacob’s custody, and Jacob is NOT wearing a shirt.

1:30: Jacob takes Bella to the Rez, and the older Native American dude is telling stories around the campfire. He is telling of the tribe’s first contact with the cold ones – aka vampires.

The guy says something terrible is coming and we must be prepared.

1:32: Okay, so, the random guy has made a new vampire somewhere in Seattle.

1:34: And now the Cullens watch the news and see Seattle is full of mayhem. Dr. Cullen says “someone’s creating an army.” Bella: “An army of vampires.”

1:36: Bella and Edward are in bed (???) and he is explaining why he doesn’t want to make her a vampire. Basically, it’s painful and you suffer and everyone you know dies of old age.

1:42: Jacob and Bella are by a lovely lake. He tells her that she has a choice. She doesn’t have to be undead and say goodbye to those she loves: she can be withhim. I am in love with you, he says. He kisses her. She pushes him away. And punches him, which has no effect on him but hurts her hand. Laughter.

1:45: Ugh, some kind of flashback involving Rosalie, and her life before she was a vamp. Yawn.

1:46: She is trying to make Bella see that wanting to be a vampire is a bad idea. Bella says ‘I will never want anything more than I want Edward’ and Rosalie says ‘you’re wrong – there is one thing you’ll want so bad you’ll kill for it: Blood.’ DUN DUN DUN.

1:49: Graduation day. Anna Kendrick is giving a speech, saying this is not a time to make decisions, this is a time to make mistakes. And learn from them. And of course, this affects Bella.

Graduation party. I think Muse is playing? Jacob shows up and gives Bella a wolf keychain he made.

1:51: Suddenly Alice has a vision. The army of vampires is coming! Zomg! Oh, in four days. They have time to team up with the wolves and train or some shit.

1:54: Dr. Cullen is saying that the newborn vampires are super strong – that when you’re a newborn vampire you’re the strongest you’ll ever be, which all vampire experts know is total bullshit.

Older vamps are stronger! Gah.

1:57: Training montage. Vampires run at each other at full speed. Snore.

1:58: Training is over. Bella says goodbye to Jacob – who is in wolf form – by kind of scratching him between the ears. An “awwww” from the girls behind me.

2:05: I can’t understand why but Jacob is carrying Bella through the woods.

2:07: I’m bored.

2:10: Alice has told Bella’s dad that she and Bella are having a sleepover. But really, the Cullens are going to be in the woods and Edward and Bella will have the house to themselves.

2:12: Now Bella’s dad is giving her the talk, saying words like “precautions” and “you don’t want to have to get married because you weren’t careful. She says, “Dad, I’m a virgin.

Giggles in the theater.

2:13: Edward and Bella are at his house. He has a bed now. She is trying to get him ot have sex with her!!!

She is like, “I want you. You said I should have every human experience!”

He’s all: “It’s too dangerous.”

She says “Try! Just try.”

2:15: They are rolling around and making out and he says “Stop trying to take your clothes off.”
Basically, he is refusing to fuck her. “I just want to marry you first.”

The word “virtue” comes out of his mouth. And he talks about the olden days – he says, “back then, I would have courted you.”

2:17: “…and I would have asked your father for permission and I would have gotten on one knee and said…”

2:18: And he proposes to her. The music goes ooh ooh weeee ooh….wooh ooh wee oooh, like all romantic and shit.

2:19: Cut to Seattle, where the red haired lady is the one secretly behind the army of vampires.

Of course.

2:21: Okay, the army is coming! Jacob is carrying Bella up the side of a mountain.

2:22: At the top of the mountain Edward and a tent are waiting.

2:24: Night falls. Bella is freezing. Jacobs comes in and wants to warm her up but Edward is like, “don’t touch her”. Jacob says something about her teeth chattering – and says he can help. “Let’s face it, I’m hotter than you.”

2:26: A shirtless Jacob cradles Bella. Edward seethes.

2:27: It would be way more interesting if things got all Brokeback up in here.

2:31: Bella sleeps and Edward and Jacob have a talk, which is like, “I hate you but we love the same woman yadda yadda yadda.”

2:33: Next morning: Jacob finds out Bella is marrying Edward. He is mad! He runs away and Bella calls after him, “Jacob!” Then says “KISS ME” and he does! They are making out on the mountain top! There is snow all around, yet Jacob is wearing no shirt. And cargo shorts.

2:35: Okay, so, Bella has just realized she loves Jacob.

But ZOMG the army is here!

2:36: Battle between big fluffy doggies and baby vamps!

And here on the mountain, red haired lady has found Bella and Edward.

2:37: Showcase showdown!!!!

Wolves! Vampires! Snow!

2:39: Bella cuts herself, bleeding, to distract the bad vamps. Jacob kills random guy. Edward kills redheaded lady.

2:40: Applause in audience. Girl behind me says “YAY EDWARD” and then: “at least something happened.”

2:43: Okay, the Volturi showed up, lead by Dakota Fanning.

2:44 I missed something, but Jacob got hurt bad. Anyway, the Volturi act all menacing and then leave.

2:46: On the rez, Dr. Cullen is setting Jacob’s bones. He leaves and Bella goes in to see Jacob.

Uh, they are talking about feelings. Jacob says, “I’m exactly right for you.”

2:49: Damn he’s cute!

Now Edward and Bella are back in the field of purple flowers discussing their wedding. Yeah…

2:50: She says, “This wasn’t a choice between you and Jacob. This was about who I should be and who I am. I never felt normal…because I’m not normal. I feel strong with you and blah blah blah”

2:53: So they’re going to tell Bella’s dad the plan! But first she has to put the ring on…